The drugs have gotten a hold on me, in such a way that I no longer know who I am.
I do horrible things in order to feed my habit. I have lied, stolen, and hurt others. Does that automatically mean im a bad person? I dont feel evil, maybe sick. Its like something powerful and hypnotic took me over. Whatever this thing is, its calling the shots. Although i am the one using drugs, its really not. I know that sounds strange but lately, i feel like im a puppet who is being moved around by an invisible hand. I always think to myself "ill never do that again" and to my horror.. I do.
In order to survive my addiction, I killed my soul, I cannot bear to feel. So each time i feel like slightest thing, I run to gst high. I may not be bad but i sure do feel like a zombie.
Unfortunately its not just me that my addiction is killing. I regret hurting my family so badly. Because I can't stand to see the hurt in their eyes I get angry. I dont want to be reminded of their pain and here lately thats all they want to talk about. So I run from them, avoid them & then I blame them.
But there is more now. I cannot stand to look in the mirror now. The last time that I did, I noticed my eyes. They were flat & lifeless. Staring into the glass, I started to understand. Drugs dont just get me high, they steal the very essence of who I am.
I am dancing with the devil. As long as I keep spinning, I dont have to see. But for today, or right now at least, my eyes are open. Honest to God, this is a horrifying view.
Yet as hard as it is to keep going like this, its even harder to stop. Drug addiction is like crazy glue.. The more you fight against it the more stuck you become.
YOU ARE READING
Not My Past. My Story.
General FictionIn this powerful memoir, a young woman from Eastern Kentucky shares her struggles with motherhood, heroin addiction, and the stillbirth of her daughter. She describes what childhood was like when her mother was an addict and her father was abusive...
