To any addict out there struggling right now, to any addict who feels like a failure, to any addicted riddled with guilt, to any addict that feels like they have reached the end, to any addict who has lost hope, I hope this message finds you. I know what all those things feel like, because I too struggle with addiction. I am an addict filled with anger, self-pitty, self doubt, hopelessness,shame & fear. I am an addict who has spent years knowing i wasnt living the way i ever envisioned but also spending years making excuses as to why I still used. I know what its like to feel totally numb when my eyes close at night & i know what its like to wake up and have the urge to do it all over again when nothing else on the agenda matters.
Rinse. Repeat. Misery,
I know what it is like to hurt the people i love the most in this world until i make it nearly impossible for them to love me. I know what its like for them to continue to love me anyways, yet through a hateful & spiteful lens of what I've become. I know what its like to see guilt in my familys eyes for my mistakes. I know what its like to become the "elephant in the room" at family gatherings. I know what its like to chose drugs over the man i loved. I know what its like to make lying and manipulate my profession. I know what its like to become a thief. I know what its like to feel totally and utterly lost in this world. That is my life as an addict.
I also know what it is like to suffer all of that for years on end instead of doing something about it. I think that's what hurt me the most when I was knee-deep in my addiction. It wasnt the pain, or the failure or the broken relationships. We all have rough patches in life and we all go through hard times. We make mistakes. What hurt me the most was when there was no way out. It was the fact that there was a way out & i kept chosing to stay exactly where i was while wallowing in my own self pitty. The only thing that feels worse then failing, is not trying. If you feel like there is no way out, there is. Begin believing a little bit in yourself again, that there is more to your life then wasting it as an addict. Stop the procrastinating & stop making this thing more difficult than it is. Pick up the phone, call somewhere or someone to get some help & go make the changes you want to make. Nothing could be more worth it.
YOU ARE READING
Not My Past. My Story.
Genel KurguIn this powerful memoir, a young woman from Eastern Kentucky shares her struggles with motherhood, heroin addiction, and the stillbirth of her daughter. She describes what childhood was like when her mother was an addict and her father was abusive...
