Not My Past. My Story.

Before I Identified

Before I identified myself as a drug addict, my view of addiction consisted of dirty needles, DUIS, jail, and drinking out of brown paper bags under a bridge. I pictures bruises on childerns faces after their father would stumble in drunk and screaming at 3am, and families begging their loved ones to "just stop." I didn't understand how a person could just let themselves get to that point. How could a person just not care about their husbands, wives or even their own childern.
   And then.. I got high for the very first time. I felt peace like I had never known. The tornado in my head had finallt ceased tossing words, time and emotions around. And for once... I didn't have to feel. I didn't have to think about anything else and i didnt have to worry. I was no longer afraid.
  Looking back now, I know i was an addict long before I picked up any drug. My disease come from a hole inside of me, which i stuffed with thing after thing after thing, but nothing was ever enough. Faster than I could ever of imagined, that wonderful feeling of being high became a necessity. I couldn't breath, couldnt eat, couldnt live without drugs.
  The very things that were destroying me, that were eating my soul, were the things that seemed to be keeping me alive. I lied, i cheated, i stole, i sold everything i could & lost trust in everything and everyone around me. I was underwater with a ball and chain around my foot & my disease at the bottom celebrating its new victory.
  I never once felt guilt about the things i was doing. I didnt allow myself too, because all i knew was chasing that next high. I hurt so many people and most of all I hurt myself.
  My addiction drug me down faster than i ever thought something could. I didnt catch it in time or maybe I just didnt care. I wouldn't stop. I couldnt stop and i didnt want to stop. My disease convinced me that the hell I was living in was better then even thinking about getting clean. & i believed it. My disease became the only thing in my life I trusted.
  I tried to get clean several times, but it never lasted over a few days. Finally I figured things out.. I couldnt stop using because my addiction was not about the drugs. My spiritual connection was shot, I was connected to no one, nobody to seperate me from the sanity in my head.
  There is so much i wish i could make you understand. I am not my addiction. My addiction IS a disease. "Just stop" doesnt work. I am powerless over drugs in any form. I will never be able to safely use drugs. I can never turn my back and pretend it will be fine. I have to work every single day for the rest of my life to protect myself and my recovery.
  My recovery has granted me a life worth living, a life worth fighting for. And I beg of you, to not stand in my way no matter how good your intentions are. No, im not sure if I need to attend 3 NA meetings a week, but the things i am doing right now are keeping a needle out of my arm.
   I dont know the future, nor do i want to. But I do know my recovery has began giving me everything my addiction promised. A sense of peace and serenity that is real, caring relationships, safety, & most importantly my sanity.
  Its so hard to understand something like this if you haven't lived it, but please trust that I am following as closely as possible to the footprints of the thousands of addicts before me and found the solution to keep the demoms at bay.
  Not too long ago i was trapped, scared and alone. But now i have found freedom one day at a time. Without my recovery i have nothing and I am nothing. Today i am full of love and graditude. I proudly identity myself as an addict in recovery, and today, i am winning against imesurable odds.