Can I Have That in Writing?

Emily: I'll Never Have That

I had planned to put myself out there when we went to mini golf. To talk to everyone, not just Riley. It didn't really work out. I managed to talk to Vera, at least, and the three of us had fun.

There was one moment, though, that gave me pause. I told the two of them what had happened to my aunt, and why my family had moved. I told them that even though I didn't know why my father brought us here, I was happy that he did.

"I'm glad he did, too."

Riley's reply surprised me, but not in a bad way. I found myself smiling and just taking her in. Her bright eyes, her smile. It was then that I noticed: we were growing closer. Emotionally, sure, but also physically. Both bothered me, but especially the second one.

What exactly was she planning to do? What was I planning to do? My heart pounded in my chest.

Thankfully, a song that Riley liked came on, distracting her. She started to sing along. The rest of the group joined in. I smiled and nodded my head along to the music, but my heart had yet to calm itself.

What was that? As far as I knew, Riley was my friend. My first friend at my new school, my closest friend that I would eventually tell everything to. I couldn't- no, I wouldn't ruin that.

Maybe she's the same?

I pushed the thought away as soon as it came to me. No way. If she was, then it was my fault. I had corrupted her. It wouldn't be the first time I'd done so.

When we got to the car, it wasn't just me who was quiet. Riley stared out the window most of the time, as silent as a mouse. I wondered if there was something going on. She would've told me if there was... right?

"You guys okay back there?" Allison asked. "You were chatterboxes on the way here."

Riley smiled. "Yeah, I'm good. I think I'm just crashing from all of the excitement."

She turned to me, and I saw the look I knew all too well. The look of someone who was burying something so that others wouldn't see.

"How about you?" she asked. "You okay?"

I wanted to dig deeper. After all, Riley was the one who got me to be more open. I wanted to reciprocate. But then again, I was still burying things, too.

I instead reflected her forced smile. "Never better."

***

Two weeks passed. When we reentered school, we had also entered a new year. 2019 would be the year I finally got rid of these sinful feelings. At least, that's what I had hoped.

Seeing Riley every day first thing in the morning, feeling her presence next to mine... it used to bring me joy. Well, it still did. But in addition to being happy, I was nervous. I was nervous because Riley, who was normally so carefree, was troubled by something. I was nervous because I didn't know if I would be able to help.

I was nervous because... well, what if it was because of me?

"Donnie!" called Riley.

She tapped the shoulder of the boy sitting in front of us. "Congrats on getting the part."

Donnie turned around, grinning. "Thanks, Ry!"

The cast list for the spring musical, Footloose, had been posted in the hallway closest to the school's entrance. I had seen it on my way to class. Riley must have seen it as well.

Riley winced and rested her hand on her neck. "But, uh... who's Willard again? I haven't seen the movie in a while."

"He's Ren's best friend," Donnie answered. "You should come see the show when it's time! You too, Emily."