Can I Have That in Writing?

Emily: Forgiveness

"Emily? Can I talk to you for a moment, privately?"

I didn't expect my father to listen. I certainly didn't expect him to give permission to date Riley. But somehow, I expected this, a talk of some sort.

I nodded and stepped forward. Riley left her mother's arms and moved towards me.

"Hey," she said hurriedly. "You don't have to-"

I put a finger to her lips, smiling. Riley was amazing that night. She was protecting me, defending me, the whole time. But I couldn't ask her to keep doing that forever. It was time for me to face my own problems.

"I know," I said. "I want to."

Riley's jade eyes moved between my father and me for several moments. Then she exhaled.

"If you want to, I support you. Just be careful, okay?"

"I will. Thank you."

I took a deep breath and stepped into my kitchen. My father ran a hand through his hair. He was silent for a long time, with the exception of his breathing. I was tempted to speak, but I didn't want to seem rude. Besides, he was the one who called me in.

He eventually started his speech.

"When you're a father, you want to do whatever it takes to protect your child from harm. And the way your great grandfather raised me, the way most people my age were raised in Tennessee... it was known that people who preferred the same gender were targets. Everyone around me said it was a sin, that it was unnatural. And no one questioned it. I never questioned it."

"So I thought the best way to protect you was to make you hide your feelings, to change you. I thought you were wrong, for something you couldn't control. I yelled, and I hurt you. I..."

His voice caught in his throat. "I failed as a father. Because I didn't protect you from me."

I bit my lip and stared at the floor, determined to keep the tears at bay. I was thankful that he at least acknowledged that he hurt me. But that wasn't all I wanted- no, needed- from him.

My father took a trembling breath. "I can't believe I was so focused on changing you... I let myself forget the good person you already are. The fact that I had to be reminded by kids your age... because I was so blind... it's the greatest pain I've ever felt."

To my surprise, he broke down crying. 

"I'm... I'm sorry, Emily. You're a gift from God that I took for granted. If you can forgive me, I want to understand you. I want the chance to truly know you."

I broke down, too, because there it was.

"That's all," I said through tears. "All I want is for you to... know the real me... and accept me."

My father moved closer to me. He reached his hand towards my shoulder, but he hesitated to actually touch me.

"I want that, too," he said. "I... I promise, if you can give me some time and some patience, I'll do my best."

I nodded, wiping my eyes.

"I can do that."

I looked towards his hand and took a step back. "But I need the same from you."

He nodded, drawing his hand back to his side. "Understood."

My father sat down at the kitchen table. "Do you want to tell me a little bit about Riley? You obviously met through Allison, but... you know... what do you like about her?"

I sat down with him and told him everything. I told him how she reached out to me and walked me to class on the first day of school. About how she ran after me when I got upset, at school and at Noah's. Somehow I never got tired of listing all the things I liked about Riley. He listened and nodded along. He even said some of the things I liked about her were things he liked about my mother.