Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 47

Lan Wangji felt completely overwhelmed. All of his husband's emotions were flowing into him, making it impossible to focus on concrete actions he could take to go find their son. Moreover, everyone around him was visibly panicking and running in circles without actually knowing what they were doing, adding to the omnipresent chaos. Even his brother did not seem like he was completely alright.

It was no surprise really. Lan Xichen had always been a very responsible person and took pride and joy in being able to carry out all his tasks without a hitch. Even if he would fail from time to time, he still took his time to analyse his mistakes and correct them, all the while his conscience would keep him awake at night. Lan Wangji could not imagine how terrible he was feeling now that A-Yuan had disappeared from under his care. He would not look either him or Wei Ying directly into the eyes, but his gaze never left them all the same. It was irritating and pitiful at the same time.

Of course, Lan Wangji was also panicking on his own, his son was missing and that was reason enough to be worried. Though, instead of blaming himself for leaving as Wei Ying was currently doing, keeling completely broken-hearted on the ground, the Second Jade wanted to act. His mind was sharp and his muscles strained and ready for anything. His Alpha instincts were pushing him to spring into action and leave no stone unturned until he would find his sweet little baby.

In the end, when Lan Xichen finally seemed to have gotten the hang of himself and started acting like a sect leader he was, Lan Wangji could not hold himself back anymore. He was torn between staying with Wei Ying and consoling him, and going to join the search party. His husband needed him, true, but A-Yuan needed him as well. Even more so.

Finally, his instinct of a parent won over. He stood up abruptly and scared both Wen Ning and Lan Xichen in the process. The Dafan Wen sect doctor flinched away from him and held Wei Ying's forehand more tightly, moving his body in front of the other Omega in an attempt at protecting him. Lan Xichen on the other hand looked at him properly for the first time since they had come back to Yiling, he seemed very surprised and confused.

"Wangji, what are you..."

The Second Jade could not even hear him properly over the blood rushing through his body and preparing him for fight. He would make life hell for anyone who dared to as much as look at his baby the wrong way. He was A-Yuan's father, he was supposed to protect him. And he would do just that, no matter what it would cost. A-Yuan and his husband were the most precious people in his life. He would not let one of them be hurt and lost.

Wei Ying seemed to have barely noticed him missing from his side, he was too far gone into his grief. The Second Jade could hear all his self-blaming and pleas as if it were his own thoughts, going in endless circles and inconsolable:

"A-Yuan, my little radish, where are you? Will you not come back to me? Is he even still alive? I should have never left him; I should have known something would happen. And I was even having fun when he must have been scared to death without us. I am such a failure of a parent if I cannot even protect my baby properly. Madame Yu had been right; I am just as worthless as she had always told me. I cannot do anything right. Look at me now, I cannot even stand up properly and go search for my precious baby. All I am good for is kneeling here and crying like a madman..."

At that very moment, Lan Wangji made perhaps the hardest decision of his entire life. For the first time since he had been blessed with the mental bond to communicate properly with his husband, he was the one to block it completely. He knew he would hurt Wei Ying, supposedly leaving him to his own devices because he had failed to be a good father. It would for sure accentuate the self-blaming thoughts.

However, Lan Wangji could not act in any other way. He had tried what he could to persuade his husband that everything would be fine. Or to join the search party. Or to simply calm down and think things through, panic would not solve anything. But all his attempts failed. He was not even sure that Wei Ying was anywhere in the mind space where he would be able to hear him. It pained him greatly, but he had no other choice.

He needed to be of calm and sharp mind in order to go search for his son. Who knew what could have been happening to A-Yuan and where he was right now. Every second counted. The toddler needed him more than Wei Ying; his husband was strong, he would for sure recover once their son was found.

Thus, Lan Wangji decided that he needed to focus on the search and leave his soulmates' side for a moment. Only until he, or someone else, would be able to find A-Yuan. Then, he would hurry back to his husband's side and apologize to him for leaving him like this. He would beg for forgiveness and take care of his fated soulmate; once they would have their son back. He was sure Wei Ying would understand; also for him, A-Yuan was the most precious treasure in the entire world.

He turned around and resolutely walked off with his sword in his hand. He knew that if he looked back at his suffering husband, he would only be hurt even more. He needed to compose himself and find their baby. He could succumb to his anxiousness and guilt afterwards.

"Wangji! Where are you going! You cannot leave Wuxian here like this!" Lan Xichen called after him but the Second Jade chose to deliberately ignore him.

It was better like this. He was very sorry that he could not help Wei Ying and that he could not bring him back from where he had fallen victim to his traumatizing past. He was also sorry that his husband would probably blame himself even more later on for his mental breakdown and his inability to join the search party. But he could not do anything about it right now, not when A-Yuan's safety could be at risk. He had to leave his husband in Wen Ning's and Lan Xichen's capable hands.

He gritted his teeth and tuned out all the noise around himself. He needed to focus and sharpen all his senses. He knew how his baby's voice sounded even from afar and how to distinguish his soft breaths amidst those of other people. He would recognize the small figure anywhere if he just saw it. And he was sure that if he came close enough, his nose would be able to pick up the sweet mixed scent of lotuses and sandalwood that the baby was covered in. If he just got close enough, he would be able to find A-Yuan without a fail.

Hehad no idea where he should start his search but guessed that taking larger andlarger circles with the inn in the centre would do the trick. He was bound tofind at least some clues this way. He avoided the inn itself though as hebelieved that it had been the first place that Nie Huisang and Lan Xichen hadturned upside down. Since they had found nothing, there was no need to lookfurther and lose precious time.