Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 19

Later that evening, Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan were sitting in their bed, their backs leaning on the headrest and the room was filled with the Alpha's calming pheromones. The Omega was snuggled in his fated soulmate's arms and his eyes were red rimmed. Luckily, he had managed to put A-Yuan to bed before actually getting too emotional and potentially upsetting him. The toddler had been tired from playing with Jin Ling for the better part of the day and went to sleep easily.

Now however, Wei Wuxian could not keep himself together anymore. He was completely overwhelmed: all the excitement he was no longer used to, all the time he had had to stay alert because even though he had believed Lan Zhan and his sibling's partners to keep an eye on the children, he had still had to watch them as well to ease his mind, all the guilt he was now feeling for not being able to tell Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng about his overprotectiveness and his horrible past experience of having his first baby taken away from him.

It had simply been too much and he had gotten so emotional he needed Lan Zhan to play their special song to him for more than one hour before snuggling to bed with him. Since then, he was a little calmer but he still could not let go. His husband had been trying to talk to him ever since their visitors had left for the evening, but up until now, Wei Wuxian could still not convince himself to believe his fated soulmate which was only making him feel all that worse. It was like a vicious cycle from which he could not free himself no matter how much both him and his husband tried.

"And the worst thing is," he was explaining for the umpteenth time, in equal parts for himself and for Lan Zhan, "that I do not even know why I am acting like this. You helped me through all my other+ fears, all the bad things which happened to me, you made those memories fade and replaced them with new ones. So why can I not get a grip of myself as well in this case? I am such a burden, both to you and to A-Yuan.

I know that I need to stop acting all anxious and nervous around him, he can feel it and he will get upset together with me. I am supposed to protect him, but how can I shield him from what is inside my head? From what I am trying so hard to control but failing miserably all over? I want to change, I really do. I want to stop being so overprotective of him and let him experience the best life possible. But it feels like the moment I look away from him, someone will take him away from me..."

Lan Zhan held him even tighter and Wei Wuxian hid his face in his firm and warm chest. He felt safe when his husband was by his side, safe and calmer. But not completely calm. Even thought A-Yuan was sleeping in the same room as the both of them and if Wei Wuxian reached out his hand, he would be easily able to touch him, he could not completely relax if he was not outright holding his son in his arms. Even after a year and a half, this never changed and he hated himself for being so dramatic and scared for his baby.

"Wei Ying, you are doing so well. You are trying your best, I know it. And even if you cannot see it yourself, you are already making tremendous progress. I can see it every single day. It may not be evident at first glance and you may be disregarding it, but it is there. Have you not let me, Wen Ning and Young Master Jin take care of A-Yuan and Jin Ling today? Perhaps you have still been nervous, but you were not panicking."

Lan Zhan was trying his best to reason with him, he could tell. But it was still hard to believe those words when the Omega himself could not see the progress his Alpha was talking about. If he was asked to hand A-Yuan over to someone else to watch and had to for example leave the Cloud Recesses, he was sure he would not be able to do it. It was simply impossible.

Lan Zhan must have caught onto his line of thoughts because he spoke as if he knew exactly what Wei Wuxian's deepest worries were: "Wei Ying, please do not doubt yourself. You were able to overcome your past, little by little. It is inevitable that some parts would still be torturing you. It had not been even all that long ago, you are doing great. We just need to take one step at a time.

I cannot even imagine losing a child the way you had. I would have most probably gone crazy. You are strong Wei Ying and you should not doubt it for even a second. You are the former head disciple of the Yunmeng Jiang sect, a member of the Yunmeng Jiang clan whose motto is 'to attempt the impossible'. I am here for you, always will be, whenever you need me. You do not have to face all of this alone. We will take this challenge on together and will surely overcome it like all those that had come before."

Wei Wuxian's heart was melting inside his chest. Lan Zhan's words were simply filled with too much warmth and it was making him feel dizzy.

"How had I ever deserved such a great husband like you, Lan Zhan?" was Wei Wuxian's only reply.

There was no reason to say anything more, his husband already knew everything. After all, they were talking about exactly this for almost two hours now. It was nothing short of a miracle that the Second Jade had not gotten bored of repeating the same thing over and over again. And Wei Wuxian still had a hard time believing him. Not the part about not being alone anymore, he knew that well enough, but more the part about him being strong and overcoming his fear in the future. Lan Zhan sounded so sure of this fact, not so much Wei Wuxian though.

Still a little anxious and guilty, but feeling very loved at the same time, the Omega twisted himself so he would be able to look at his husband. Lan Zhan's expression was soft and supportive, there was nothing beside love and reassurance there for Wei Wuxian to see. His perfect husband always had understanding for him and was apparently ready to go to great lengths to make his soulmate feel at ease. Wei Wuxian was extremely grateful to him, and for him.

He reached a little farther until he was able to kiss his perfect Alpha. Lan Zhan obligingly leaned closer and returned the affection. They kissed for a long moment, deep and slow, but silent since A-Yuan was sleeping in a cot just next to the bed.

"I will try, Lan Zhan. I promise I am not going to give up. Not as long as you believe in me." Wei Wuxian promised. Though the words may have sounded casual, they were anything but. It was a solemn wow.

And his husband understood it as such: "I know you will Wei Ying. I am here and I will be, we will do this together."

"Mn, together," agreed Wei Wuxian easily while prolonging the kiss until they were both breathless.