Love Letter

Entry #1

Dear T,

Sinusulat ko 'to kahit na hindi ako sigurado kung maibibigay ko ba ito sa'yo. Nakakahiya kasi. Saka... siguro nasa isip mo talaga na wala akong gusto sa'yo.

Ikaw ang unang gumawa ng paraan. Ikaw yung nagharana, naghahatid sa'kin sa bahay at ikaw din yung tumutulong sakin sa mga problema ko. Sa assignments man o hindi.

I'm happy to have you. You surpassed my logical thinking. You loved me for who I am. You are still holding on even if I asked you stop courting me already.

Madaming beses na 'yun. Truthfully, nasasaktan ako every time I shove you away. Pano ba naman kasi? Halos maiyak iyak ka na sa tuwing binabusted kita. Para kang binagsakan ng langit at lupa. Yung parang doomsday ba.

May mga points na naiinis na ako sa inaakto mo. Kasi you won't leave me away. You promised me that you will make me happy and you will never hurt me. Pero look, nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa mo.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Sure naman ako na makakahanap ka ng ibang mga babae. And for sure, you'll move on and you'll forget my name after a month or so.

I want to tell you how much I like you but surely, I can't.

It's not easy, you dumbweak!

Mahirap mag tapat sa isang tao na gustong gusto mo siya. Gusto mo na siyang sagutin para masubukan mong mapaligaya ng isang tao na tapat na nagmamahal sa'yo.

Gusto mo yung feeling na nginingitian ka niya every time you look at his eyes deeply while he's handing you a bouquet of roses na pinagtyagaan pa niyang ipunin from his own wallet.

Gusto mo yung feeling na kinikilig ka every time may surprise siya sa'yo. Like last time. Yung will-you-be-my-girl na pakulo mo.

I was a major dumb not seeing that coming.

Kala ko kasi noon, laro laro lang yung ginagawa natin. Kasi rumor sa buong school na flirt ka daw. So, I force myself to pledge that I'll never like you kahit na anong pakulo o kahit na pakulam mo pa ko.

But I can't help but fall in love with you.

Siguro dahil na din sa hopeless romantic ako. Naniniwala ako sa mga sweet first kisses, sweet hugs, sweet na mga akbayan at iba't iba pa.

Sino ba naman kasing maiinlove sa isang T?

Gwapo na, mabait pa, mayaman pa, matalino pa at sweet pa.

Nakakainis ka kasi. Yung mga sacrifices mo. Yung mga bwisit mong ngiti na di ko mapigilang mapangiti din ang puso ko even though I'm rolling my eyes at you physically.

Madami kang sacrifices sa'kin. And I'm thankful for that.

But... The thing that I will never be thankful for is... yung pagpapain-love mo sa'kin.

I was glad that you were the first person that transformed me. I was glad that in a minimum limit of time, you showed me something that I don't think I will experience ever again.

But all of that is in the past tense now.

Pero ito lang ang exception sa past tense.

I love you, T.

I loved you before. And I still love you until now.

No matter how I stop myself, forcing my heart to forget beating for you, forcing all the butterflies in my stomach to stop fluttering for you, forcing my eyes to stop looking for you and forcing my lips to stop calling your name, di ko magawa.

Because even though I'm in pain and loving you is the cause of it, I can't stop loving you.

Kainis lang eh.

And unfair ng kapalaran. I should've accepted your request to be your other half even though my family and the whole universe won't permit it. I should've stayed on your heart the very first day I entered yours.

Pero hindi eh. Probably kasi bata pa tayo. Or probably because we're not really meant for each other kaya ganun na lang ang pagtutol s'atin ng buong daigdig.

I love you. You're the first boy who treated me like I'm special and fragile to be really taken care of. You're my first love and the first love who broken my heart and shattered it in pieces.

You took my heart with you nang makita kong kasama mo siya. One year after ng pagsuko mo, nakita kitang may kasama nang iba.

Gustong gusto kitang hatakin at angkinin ang mga labi mo. Angkinin ang lahat sayo. And claim your heart mine again.

But what can I do?

You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who's ready to fight for you against her family. A girl that will fight for you no matter what happens. A girl that will move earth and sky together just to stop you from letting go.

I'm sorry I'm not that girl. I'm sorry I can't fight for you like what your patience and love did to fight for me even though it is me who's continuously pushing you away.

I wish I could fight for you. But I can't. I wish I could push my family to like you and to see the reality I can see in you.

I'm glad that you are happy with her. Tell her that I'm glad that you fell for her and how thankful I am for the love that she's giving you.

I wish you all the best, T.

With my best wishes, thank you.

If there's anything I can do just to redefine the earth so that it will side on us, I tried a very long time ago.

It's not that I'm saying that your bride did not deserve you. I'm just saying that if there's anything that I could do at that time for the world to side with us, I will do it right away.

I love you so much.

Always,

RN