Love Letter

Entry #4

Dear Bae,

Hi.

This might be the awkwardest love letter in the world.

I really don't know what to say in here. Ngayon lang kasi ako gagawa ng love letter. I mean, nakagawa na ako ng different kinds of letters before. Hate, recollection, apology, thank, and etc. Pero ngayon lang ako gagawa ng ganito.

Siguro for you, that's absurd. Kasi marami na akong nakarelasyon dati. Sa sobrang dami ng number ng babae sa contacts mo, I imagine that that is the exact words you'll say.

But it is true.

Talagang never pa akong nakagawa ng love letter. Ngayon pa lang. Tapos yung love letter na ito, di ko pa maibibigay sa'yo.

Parang hindi naman talaga love letter ito. Para bang apology letter, na halong hate letter, thank you letter and foremost, recollection letter.

I know it's far too late. It's 4 months late. Super late na. Siguro pag binigay ko sa'yo 'to, baka di mo tanggapin 'to, or more possibly, you'll shred it in pieces.

I don't care if punitin mo 'to. But I have a one final request. Just read it first. Kung sakaling may sama ka pa rin ng loob sa'kin, just think as if someone (probably your certain someone right now) yung nagbigay sa'yo. Just don't think that I was the one who addressed this letter to you. Sasakit pa yung kalooban mo.

I want to start with thank you.

Nagpapasalamat ako kasi kahit nung una na akala mo fling fling lang yung sa'tin, sumugal ka pa rin. Hindi kasi ako sanay sa serious relationships. Lalo na sa commitments.

Takot na takot kasi akong matali. You know what I mean, right?

Gusto ko kasi, magseseryoso lang ako sa tao na nakita kong deserve for a forever with me. Ayaw kong maging kagaya ng papa ko na dahil sa hindi sure kay mama ng magcommit silang dalawa, papalit palit yung mga babae niya.

I don't want to be like him.

I don't want to cause some pain and suffering to girls lalo na sa babaeng nakatakdang mamahalin ko at iaalay sa altar.

Kaya naman lahat ng babaeng dumating sa buhay ko, di ko sineseryoso. It is because of fear of commitment, pain and takot din kasi ako na makapag-asawa ng bata. Gusto ko din kasing i-enjoy yung teenage and bachelor years ko. Ayaw kong magmadali.

Gusto ko, parehas kaming ready ng future wife ko sa commitment ahead of us.

And with all of that, nasaktan kita. Akala ko kasi, di ka din seryoso sa'kin.

But it turned out that you were one of those girls who believes in true love and firsts. Things that I don't believe.

Opposite tayo. Opposite ng mga pinaniniwalaan. Opposite din yung pangagatawan natin. Medyo chubby ka at super kawayan naman ako.

Yung nag click lang ata sa'tin ay yung pagiging happy go lucky nating parehas. Hindi mababaw ang mga kaligayahan natin. But that point din ang pinagkaiba natin.

Mababaw ang kaligayahan mo sa mga bagay. While me, mababaw ako sa kaligayahan when it comes to girls.

At dahil isa din itong recollection letter, gusto kong magtapat sa'yo ng mga bagay na maaaring di mo pa alam.

Nung naging tayo, there were a few instances where I was tempted to cheat on you. And I did. With several girls. I slept with them. Fling fling din sila like what I thought of you.

Ang sakit nun. I know.

I didn't realize all of that before. Ngayon lang. Ngayon ko lang 'to nararamdaman. The guilt. The pain. Everything.