Love Letter

Entry #7

Dear MR,

It's has really been a long time.

Alam ko na dapat nage-email na lang ako kaysa naman magpapadala pa ako ng sulat. Ilang linggo mo kaya ito bago pa matanggap? Aabutin ba ng linggo ito bago mo basa d'yan sa America?

Gusto kitang tanungin ng maraming bagay. Sobrang daming bagay na halos di na magkanda ugaga yung isip ko kakaisip ng mga posibleng sagot na sasabihin mo. Natatakot din kasi akong malaman ang mga sagot sa tanong ko. Natatakot ako na di mo 'ko sagutin, di na kausapin habambuhay at di na pansinin.

Matagal na panahon ko ito ininda. Kaya please please please... Sana lang, tapusin mo itong letter na ito bago mo sunugin or punit punitin. Kasi di ko mapapatawad yung sarili ko kung di mo ito mababasa at di mo na mapapakinggan yung mga sasabihin ko. Di mo malalaman yung totoo kong nararamdaman.

Di pa tayo magkaklase nun e.

I was finding someone on the internet. Kapangalan mo siya. And since your account on Facebook doesn't have any valid profile picture (anime pa yung dp mo nun), ikaw yung napagkamalan ko.

I messaged you and said: "if you have time, can we meet up? It's been a long time since we bonded."

You replied me with: "huh?"

And then I realized that I wrong sent you a message. But instead of being angry, you sent an emoticon of a laughing cat.

I was embarrassed at that time. Di ko alam kung ipagpapatuloy pa rin yung paguusap natin or not.

And I decided not to.

But after a few hours, I messaged you once again. Naguguilty kasi ako na ewan. Di ako makatulog and I was quenching for an assurance that you already forgive me.

Surprisingly, you replied instantly in the middle of the night.

Saying that it was okay. But that assurance was not enough of me. Until sa kinulit kulit kita tungkol sa kung saan saan. Until my day is not complete without talking to you on the messenger.

Little by little, nasisiyahan ako.

Then dumating yung point na pasukan na. I was appointed at the cream section of the first year class. I met a girl during a grouping session. Pagkatapos nun, nagkaroon ako ng madaming friends even if I was a transferee. Nagexchange of Facebook accounts kami.

Then luckily, one of the girls I befriended with was you. Ikaw na kausap ko sa messenger at ikaw na personally ko nang nakilala.

Sobrang naging close tayo. Sa sobrang close natin, I forgot what we were and what we should be. What kind of feeling I'm having when I was close to you was beyond normal. Hindi yun normal. Abnormality, kumbaga.

Hindi ko maipaliwanag yung loud beating of my heart which was you know... impossible. Butterflies in my stomach when I got to see your smile. Happiness when I can see you happy. Anger and sadness when you were crying.

At first, di ko alam na love na pala yung nararamdaman ko. Akala ko, normal feeling lang yun dahil friends tayo at syempre, damayan ang mga magkakaibigan. But it turned out na hindi pala yun ordinary when he entered.

Feeling ko napapalitan na yung pwesto ko sa buhay mo.

Nababawasan na din yung conversation natin kasi siya na yung lagi mong kausap. Siya yung pala palagi mong kausap kahit sa Facebook at sa school. Napapatawa ka niya kagaya ng mga ginagawa ko dati but it seems like it was not enough.

Bakit ba? May pagkukulang ba 'ko sayo at sa kanya mo nakikita lahat ng iyon?

Ugh. I shouldn't be feeling this way. But it seems like I was jealous.

Dun ko na realize na mahal na pala kita.

And that boy ruined everything. Si MG. Siya ang sumira ng lahat. Sinira niya yung pagkakaibigan natin because of his backstabbing skills. Di mo pansin pero sinisira niya yung pangalan ko. Particularly, ako sa'yo.

It was indeed, the end of our friendship.

So, ngayon. Para walang regrets, I'm writing you a letter to confess everything. Yung mga sinasabi niya about sa'kin, it's not true. The only truth I showed you is the friendship, the real me and the true love I secretly did.

I hope you're not a hell of a mad at me. At what I am saying right now.

It was all because I know that you deserve to know the truth and to know that I still have feelings for you even though it's been a year or so.

I don't want to live in regrets without telling you the truth in what I'm feeling.

Yours,

AV