Love Letter

Entry #2

Dear R,

Tinanong mo ako noon kung paano kita nagustuhan hindi ba? Sabi mo na kapag sinagot mo yung tanong ko about the things and attitudes that you like about me, I have to tell you my side.

Well, here it is.

I have past memories about my crushes, flirts and chuchu. But, not even one of them took my breath away like you did.

Masyado ka kasing expert pag dating sa mga babae na kagaya kong may pagkalahing prinsesa na naghihintay sa isang black knight to come and rescue her.

Since experienced ka na sa mga serious relationships, madali mo akong napikot. Like like lang ba kung baga.

Nagustuhan ko agad yung pagkaclingy mo sa'kin. Masyado ka kasing flirty sa akin na para tuloy namimisunderstood ko na dati.

It all started as a flirt, right?

Nachachallenge ka pa sa'kin. My bestfriend R told me. Alam niya yung mga tipo mong babae na landutay, malandi, clingy din na kalahi mo at higit sa lahat, maganda.

Siguro nga yun na din yung dahilan kung bakit mo ko nagustuhan. Dahil siguro sa pagiging maganda ko (aminado naman ako dun noh).

Pero di kagaya ng mga past girlfriends mo, hindi ako malandutay, malandi at clingy. Particularly, P.

Hindi ako yung babaeng siguro iniisip mo na tipo mo. Pero, guess what, yun din siguro yung sole reason as to why you decided to court me.

It was just for a game and for pleasure.

Nasisiyahan ka at ang mga friends mo na nachachallenge ka sa'kin. Without a shadow of doubt, pakipot ako.

Ako yung tao na kapag nag-i love you ka sa'kin ng ilang beses, di ako agad bibigay. Kasi para sa'kin, ang word na yun ay sacred. Hindi pwedeng ipapamigay mo lang ng ganun ganun na lang sa isang tao na gustong gusto mo.

Like and Love are two completely different words. Hindi lang sa spelling at sa meaning. Kundi sa worth nito. And with that, you should pick the person you will describe the words with.

Aminado din ako. Sa simula, I was fascinated by your looks. Nagwagwapuhan din kasi ako sa'yo at masyado din akong nagsasaya na pinapanuod ka habang nakikipaglandian ka sa'kin, na nakalimutan ko na kung ano ang meaning ng like.

In the course of the first part of our story, I fell in love with you.

Pero di dun nagtatapos ang lahat. Kasi I know that deep inside, you're a jerk that his favorite music was girls' I-love-you phrases.

And dahil nga ako yung tipo ng babae na di binibigay agad yun, mas lalo kang nachallenge. Am I right?

R, alam ko tanga ako. In my defense, kaya ako walang experience kasi never pa akong na-inlove. And with that, you counts as my first love.

Di ko naman tinatanggi yun.

Nung una, medyo indenial pa ako. Paano ba naman? You were giving me mixed signals na pati yung feelings ko, pabago bago na din.

That night before I realized everything, magkasama kami ng mga bestfriends ko sa 7-11. Kasama ko sila E at RN. Nagtatawanan kami hanggang sa mapunta sa'yo yung topic.

"Mahal mo na ba?" natatandaan kong tanong sa'kin ni RN noon.

Napaismid ako at narinig kong bumuntong hininga si E.

"K, mahirap magmahal. Lalo na sa isang jerk na kagaya ni R. Kung ako sa'yo, pipigilan ko yung sarili ko bago pa ako mahulog ng tuluyan sa bangin. Halatang halata ka na e. Those sparkly eyes," nagtama ang mga tingin namin. "I know what it means. I just want you to remember that you're only playing, right? Siguro naman alam mo na laro lang itong lahat? Na di seryoso sayo si R?"

Huminga ako ng malalim at pumikit.

"I fell," I said slowly and surely. "That's my mistake. But, I won't let myself commit another mistake. I'll take the risk now even though there's no guarantee that he'll love me back the same way I love him."

She sneered at me.

"Then what happens when he doesn't love you back? Aasa ka parin?"

Di ako nakasagot nun. Di ko alam ang gagawin ko if something like that happened.

Siguro I'll just continue to strive so that I'll win him back. Pero kung may mahal siyang iba, I'll be most happy to let him go.

"K, I respect your decision." she reaches for my hand, squeezes it gently. "I hope you'll be happy with that answer. Still, hindi ako kakampi sa'yo. I know how the world--the universe works."

"Huh?"

"We tend to love someone who could never love us back because of the same lesson our parents taught us through the years. It is to show us that we can't have everything we want in the world. Even though we strived to reach for the trophy or for something we desire, something--a force in the universe will push you away from that thing if you are not really meant for that thing or for someone."

Siguro nga tama yung sinasabi niya. Pero kagaya ng sinasabi ng ibang mga tao...Lahat ng mga nagmamahal--sa sobrang pagkabulag sa beautiful perks nito, nagpapakatanga ka.

Kasi no matter what we do, we can't help to be dumb and idiot. Same thing that is applied in falling in love.

No matter how you push your heart to say no for a certain someone, you can't control your feelings and the exquisite thumbing of your heart every time he's around.

That same thing applied to you.

Ginawa ko ang lahat to avoid feeling this way without avoiding you and your presence. But it won't seem to work out.

Kasi, ikaw pa rin yung tinitibok ng puso ko.

I know that I deserve someone better. Yung papahalagahan ako at mamahalin ako better than I deserve and what you are doing but, I can't just teach my heart to love someone that she doesn't wants.

And unfair nga eh.

Mahal na mahal kita to the point na wala akong pake kung mahalin mo ba ako or hindi.

Unfair sa part ko yun.

They say, everybody deserves to be loved. But, paano mo pipigilan yung puso ng isang tao kung ang nag-iisang taong sinisigaw nito is the same person who can't love that person back?

Maybe life isn't fair.

The universe, life, the world, everything seems so unfair.

But in love, I don't think it's unfair.

Kahit na lahat ng mga pieces of the puzzle are calling out to me, saying that love is indeed unfair, I can't just say na unfair ang love dahil sa unrequited instances like this.

Kasi pano din yung mga tao na nagmamahalan? Isn't it unfair for them?

My dear R, fair ang love.

Kasi kahit na unrequited yung pagmamahal mo sa isang tao, at dumating din na unrequited din yung pagmamahal niya sa other special someone niya--or kahit hindi, at least parehas kayong napapasaya ng love.

At parehas din kayong nasasaktan by two different persons.

And that is what keeps me going to love you.

I like you and love you because those both words apply fairly in my happiness.

You are my happiness.

Love,

K