Sense & Sensibilities

Present

Riya had always taken comfort in the fact that time change. She was little, then she was not. She used to be surrounded by army cliques, then she lived a civilian life. There was a time she studied for army life, then it was gone and she stated criminology. Change means there is something else to look forward to other than her Mother's silence. Change means she can learn and get out of house and pretend there is some substance in her life.

She had a hunch she wont survive a foreign virus in her body about which none has any idea, so it was surprising when her vitals improved slowly and one day she was cleared to return in her old life with a few tablets which she has to take every day till she dies. When someone returns back from near death, there can be multiple ways they can cope- renewed vigour to live their lives, or sadness that the life is not over yet. By the heaviness in her heart, Riya knew it was the latter, and also felt horrible for it. Now she had people that cared about her. She was doing a good work, yet she cant stop feeling sorry about the fact that she was not dead. How entitled and stupid that can be.

The psychologist inside her knows she needs help, but she needed help since a long time ago. Maybe when she shot a person and instead of seeking help, went to meet a serial killer. Or maybe in childhood, when she asked about her father and wondered about why she liked school better than her house. Maybe when she couldn't get into army and felt the similar level of heaviness inside her, even though that's exactly what she wanted.

She was an escapist though, so she did what she always do. Went back to ETF, was greeted by her friends and colleagues. When Liza hugged her and others smiled at her, she felt she was doing the right thing. She cant tell these people, after what happened, that she did not want to live anymore. This heaviness was temporary, she will be back in no time. She even reached out to ACP Rawte, and the silence between them was not thick with tension anymore. He didn't even ask why there was any in the first place, and she was grateful.

He was letting her get away with a lot of things and she did not even question why.

She met Dustin sir one day for a case- he called and visited a few times when she was in hospital. Once the case discussion was done, they started to talk about different things. Difficult cases he handled, testimony he was supposed to give in court for old cases, felicitation he received from department. If he stayed in office, this year would have been his 27th.

"Why did you?" She asked. Sir gave a smile, like she did not get it. She probably don't, not yet.

"This job, it sucks your soul. You enter with a starry eyed dream to clean the gutters, and each day you get into the gutter with a broom in your hand, ready for it. It smells nasty, but your hands are steady and you are determined you wont throw up. The dirt don't end, the nausea goes away, you keep brushing and one day you realize, the gutter was same as it was the day you started."

"Is not that what you sign up for?"

"Maybe. Maybe someone should have told us how excruciating it was, how useless it was. To juggle thugs, ministers, politics and traitors. Maybe we would not have listened." He shrugged, "Some of us leave because it's too much- I left because I was unhappy, and my wife threatened divorce. I had lost too much of my kid's childhood."

"But you help the department."

"From outside. I give my advice and walk away without any burden. Helps me sleep better every night, thank you very much." They both shared a smile, and Riya pondered about his words for a long, long time.

But change happens, and one day she left too. Not because she was tired of the useless work they were doing, or case files and crime scene pictures made her sick. There was a stretch of a few weeks when everything seemed to implode all at once- there was a long stretching case of double murder in the heart of city, she was rushing her PhD paper which she couldn't submit when she was in hospital, she was making notes and presentation for the Profiling thing for Rathore sir's seniors, and there was also regular nagging at home. Nagging was new- every day. Every night. Before she leaves and after she come back there was lengthy talks from her mother regarding ETF and her work. It was subtle, it was direct. And one day she was tired- of her words, at her lack of sleep, at everything at once.

"What do you want from me?" She sighed, leaning against the dining table. Her mother hated she went back to ETF, but she did not know what else she wanted. Quitting the job- profiling was impossible. That's all what she has these days.

"Take the Job offer in London." Riya was stunned. She never discussed that with her mother. What does that even mean- does she truly care about her work, or its just a onetime thing to push her to something she don't want, again. As she wondered in her head, her mother carried on, "ETF is not safe. They cant take care one of them, its hardly surprising their work is not upto the mark."

"They have highest number of solved cases in the department."

"You want to pursue your work? Take the job. You can consult their police agencies if you are good." Still if, after she took the job, nearly lost her life and published her papers before all these.

"Stop."

"I will once you take the job."

They stared at each other after a while- Riya knew her mother was winning this time. She did not have the time or patience to fight with her anymore.

"Will you be happy if I leave?" Her voice cracked. But she was unforgivable in her stiff posture and blank eyes.

"Take the job."

One week later, she resigned and left for London.