Sense & Sensibilities

Processing Grief (Huh)

Arjun hates fire.

He remembered there used to be a house which burnt down to nothing in his locality and he wondered how God can be so cruel to make something like fire- destructive and all consuming. Nothing good comes from fire. It symbolizes an end- it ends families, people, an entire life.

No wonder he didn't go to his wife's funeral. He still don't know who did her last rites.

But he had to be here today, had to see his former mentor and boss reducing to ashes so that he remember this- how cruel and sudden tragedy can strike. It literally came out of nowhere. Policemen dies in the line of fire, and dying brutally at the hand of some random criminal after leaving the job- he can't think that.

He also cant think straight because Riya did not turn up for the funeral. He was hoping he will see her at puja, or the way to shamshan ghat. He pulled out his phone but fingers didn't cooperate to call. From the whispers around him, she didn't pick up anyone's phone or responded to messages. She discovered the body, they all ran here, the usual procedures started and she simply disappeared.

His chest tightened suddenly and he looked away from fire.

He did find her, in the record room floor sitting with bunch of files as her burrows frowned in concentration. It stuck him how normal she looked- he turned up in the office in his white kurta and here she was, dressed same as usual. Hair pulled up in a bun, her coat bunched in a corner, laptop beside her on the floor, shirt's sleeves folded up. As if it was a regular day. As if just yesterday they all didn't sit under rain- him, Rathore and her- watched police and their team mates around the crime scene, as they remained unable to move. As if they collectively didn't feel like their last hope was snatched away, their hearts breaking again. As if they didn't shudder when Sir's wife cried, screamed and raged at god, her yell ringing in their ears.

He crouched down in front of her, and she didn't even move an inch in response. After a long stretch of silence where he couldn't decide how to approach, he whispered softly.

"You didn't come."

"I was busy."

"Too busy to say goodbye?" The familiar fire burned inside him. She stilled at the question, then turned a page of file. Arjun felt like ripping the file from her stiff fingers and chuck it out of window. "Too busy to attend the last rites of a man whom you respected?!"

She swallowed before answering, "I was trying to find answers."

"You wont find them in these damn files!" He snapped, getting up. He cant look at her now.

"I have always found answers in them."

"A man just died!" He shouted, stalking at her, "Dustin Coelho. Ex Commissioner of Police, Mumbai! My senior! Your teacher! He died and you trying to find answers?! The hell you are trying to get by reading these damn files? Processing your grief?"

"Processing my grief?" Her voice had an edge. She sat still, and suddenly all his anger disappeared, "My grief?" When she looked right at him, he could not breathe.

He knows that look.

"There will be no processing this grief."

He sees that look in the mirror every single day.