Sense & Sensibilities

Looking through (faith)

There are days which are good- as good they can be with a gaping, bleeding hole in heart. It's easier to breathe, easier to look at things, sky is blue, things are brighter. She can even stand more than 15 mins at a stretch for those days, without breaking out in sweat. People's voice reaches her ears, she wants to join in and give her two cents in discussion. Riya can use her head those days to make it count.

And there are other days. Sky is grey, everything is muted, voices are drowned out in background, heart palpitations are so bad that it's hard to breathe. She just wants to curl in a corner those days, hide her head under her elbows and block everything out. There are dark thoughts going back to her childhood which brings no joy and frankly, waste of time to ponder upon.

Today is a bad day, so she decides it is time she visits her faith. So she walks into ETF today, keeps her bag and just stared at the floor for a while. Then, she went near the ganapati idol, lit up the diya, and closed her eyes. To pray, to ask for strength, to just clear her mind. She kept her eyes closed until her heart started beating regularly, her breaths came out in a rhythmic beat. Until she felt ready to open her eyes and face the world.

The question was, why she didn't do it before if it was so easier? Or she had to give up some things to get this inner peace? She didn't know if she wanted to dive into those areas, whether she will like the answers.

What those answers tell her about herself.

She had sensed him way before he had decided to speak.

"He don't listen."

Arjun never liked display of faith. His face is blank- he allows others that space to be. But his eyes give away scepticism and disgust.

"It's a tried and failed method."

Riya bowed for the last time and roamed her palm over diya for blessing.

"Maybe. But we still do."

He is in chatty mood today. Usually by this time, he will give her a stare and walk away. "It's a waste of time if you are investing time and effort for something in front of a figure made of clay and you aren't even getting anything out of it."

"That's what faith is. Illogical." She turned to him. Once upon a time he took a piece of sweet from her hand, rolled his eyes and ate it – as a delicacy, not as Prasad. Today, she had nothing to offer.

"Anything happened?"

He sighed.

There is always a reason how ACP Rawte works, talks and moved, and why.

He almost threw a file on his desk, silently gesturing her to take a look as she cautiously stepped in. By the battered condition, it has been to many hands- the acp probably read and reread it hundred of times, going by each page, making his own notes separately, reading each lines again and again and again until it's drilled into his skull.

A few pages in, and Riya had the initial picture.

"This is the file of the gangster who . . . "

"Suspected man who k...." he halted, exhaling harshly, "Prime suspect. Main accused."

"And?"

He paced for a few minutes before speaking up.

"I don't remember anything from that night. I have tried thousand of times, gave it my all, but there is probably some mental block I am not able to break. I have visited my old house, forced myself to look at crime scene pictures and reports. I have tried mental mapping, tried to revisit what happened that night. I am completely blank after the point when I walk into the door. I don't even remember...." He gestured at his injury hidden by the ever present bandage.

There was a pause, and she waited.

"This file, this profile, it should make sense. Someone who crossed my path. I contributed to end his business here. He went to jail because of me. He fled the country around the same time as the murder. He had the motive and possible way to do this. It fits so well, and yet..." he knocked at his head. "it makes no sense here. I have tried to picture him, the blurry image stuck in my head who was in the house, who walked towards me and hurt me and turned my life upside down in a moment." He bit the inside of his cheek- he has spoken too much and yet, he couldn't stop. "Its right in front of . . . It makes no sense."

Riya looked at him wearily, speaking softly, "a long time ago, you had told me gut feeling means nothing in this line of work. We need st. . . "

"Strong evidence, yeah I remember." He exhaled. "its right there. Then why can't I .. . . Why I am not able to find answers? Why I am not able to find closure?"

"maybe because you didn't ask it yet." He gave a look at that .

"I just sa . . "

"Say it."

"I don't think . . . " she interrupted.

"Say it again."

Arjun closed his eyes in frustration "its not him. It don't feel right."

Riya gave a thin smile. "now, we look for closure."