Sense & Sensibilities

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If Rawte believed in God, the same God Roshni believed so much and failed her so spectacularly (and Her), he would have demanded answers. Like that old hindi movie he would have walked in front of God and yelled- maybe not something dramatic. Just a single question- why him? Why single him out to suffer this much? Why again now?

Objectively he knew that was a selfish thing to say- he is privileged in a way hundreds of others are not. People on this planet are dying due to food and lack of hospital, all he had was a burning heart and tunnel vision for his revenge plan- which was not going anywhere by the way. For months he was trying to save himself from further heartache, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge why. Boom, the why came back and will now rejoin ETF, for god knows what reason.

Rathore wanted to give a peptalk which he had given months ago when Riya first join the team, but decided otherwise. He somehow held a grudge which was visible to Riya, who chose to ask nothing. She was subdued, quiet in a way she never was- probably still traumatized how her mother was taken by a gang of thugs. Why she didn't take a break, or go back to abroad was a question to everyone.

Others noticed too, this three way cold war which was unexpected- the source of supply was new too. Rathore was antithesis to Rawte, the level headed chief who will yell dammit but will back up his team every time. Why he would be rude towards Riya, whom he brought himself in this office and was so enthusiastically supported at every turn, was a question to everyone. Aisha wanted to ask, but she knew sharing cigarettes don't give her that much power to ask. It seems fragile, so all of them decided to keep the three away as much as possible. Riya would be paired with Shree or Chotu, spend time in lab with Liza (the record room didn't feel like safe haven anymore), or she will sit in basketball court with Aisha, sometime talking about case, something sharing silence.

The new trio- Aisha Shree and Chotu, with their newfound camaredie silently decided it was time for a mini break. Riya was quite surprised when one day, post another workday of this continuous strained silence Chotu said to her, "Leaving somewhere?"

"Home?" It came out as a question. He smiled a little.

"Let's go somewhere. After work gathering, what say?"

Behind him Shree and Aisha poked their heads. Liza looked on curiously.

It was new for Riya- sitting and trying to have conversation with people from same circle after working hours. She never had those people, so she never had that opportunity. it was enviable too-how easily they can be open around her, pouring a glass of drink for three of them and talking about their life outside work. No shadow of evilness, no weight over their shoulders. Being so comfortable around her- As if she didn't bail on them before. As if she was someone who can be trusted.

She didn't speak much, content to listen to their tales and joining in laughter. Stories flew freely- about the time Aisha ran away with her lover, how Shree was bullied for his hair in school, how Patil found this kid's dead body with a gunshot between his eyes. Topics were dark, yet it didn't feel overwhelming. She wished, deep down, she could tell how things are wearing her down. How she still thinks about her best friend in jail, Damre. How his words still echo in her head- killing was peace of mind. How she still looks at her hands and expect blood. How her body betray her every day- it needs medicine, it needs rest, it needs sanity which she don't find in herself anymore. How she resents and craves for her mother, still all these years later. How she hates herself more leaving and cant justify why she stayed. How every day stepping in this office feels like walls coming down on her yet, like a masochist, she comes back each day and don't answer to herself why.

But she says nothing- bush around the topic of her short tenure as professor, talk about her research paper which is going nowhere- her heart not into the explanation. Questions why Liza isn't here and sees how Shree avoids her eyes.

The sessions continues- she calls them sessions in her head. Ages ago, there was a man who wouldn't open his mouth for help, yet pushed her to go see a doctor. Instead, she went to a serial killer for advice, and got stuck into the nightmare which led her to dying, coming back and throwing herself to danger once again. If she had taken help then, probably xora wouldn't have happened. But these gatherings help, she has friends now. So they are sessions- she can pretend to herself they make her a better person just by listening to others.

Vibe was playful today- Aisha was in an exceptional good mood. It was heart -warming how she laughed with others, how they had inside jokes and could have conversation just with eyes or a lift of finger. Riya used to feel surprised how people can be that thick- but she just admitted over time she might not have that kind of relation with someone ever, at least she has people in her corner. Soon, the beer bottle turned to a game- two lies.

Riya had caught others lies easily- she had a profession around that now. When it came to her, she froze, carefully thinking about the options.

I have never lied.

I care about someone. (she forced herself to not hesitate)

I am writing a book.

The trio went on a spree, dissecting her every words and facial expression and body language. After a lot of discussion, theories and analysis, Shree picked two.

"You have never lied. And you don't like anyone."

"she didn't say liking." Chotu said dryly.

"It was implied." Aisha winked at her, "So, miss? Are we correct?"

She shook head, and there was a uproar, followed by groans and laughter. Aisha was the first to recover, "Where did we go wrong?"

"I have lied before."

"To who? Your mother?"

"No." Riya hesitated, "To someone in office."

"So you like someone." Shree pointed out, trying to figure out as he peered over his glasses, "Is it from office?"

"It was a game about lies. Who said anything about truth?"

She shrugged, making the situation lighter.