Everyone's Out to Get Me

My Body Tries To Off Me

-squeezed this chapter out of my ass bc I felt bad! y'all have it so good that I'm not one of those people who "grow out" of their interests <3/j

Guys. I almost fucking died again and I swear I'm not doing this shit on purpose.

If we're being real, I'm two near death experiences away from telling Elwin to give me an award because I'm definitely his number one patient.

I'm hot, I'm funny, I keep his medical knowledge fresh and fun—what more do you need? Sign me up!

If we're really keeping track, the first time I almost died was when I was five—and who knows, maybe it happened again before Weirdo almost got me RUN OVER (I'm still salty about it). Never came as close as this though! Elwin, I love you, but we're gonna have to toss you under the monster truck for this one.

"Hey, Foster, are you trying to break every record in sight because as psyched for that as I am, almost dying twice in a month is way overkill."

This is where I am at, folks. Keefe is lecturing me on my dramatics. I have hit rock asshole.

"My whole day is ruined and my ego is disintegrated because you just said that to me. Let a girl recover before you trash on her misfortune!" Elwin audibly rolled his eyes, carrying something suspiciously hung on a chain while Dex visibly at his limit with my bullshit.

Or rather, he's in such a somber mood that his laughs at our antics are making me sad.

So, I said to him, "Dex, it's not your fault I decided to shot unknown chemicals like an absolute dumbass." He was obviously about to protest so, ignoring Elwin's pacing and Keefe's judgemental eyebrow raise, I spoke over him like a toddler.

Eventually, he stopped protesting and agreed I was being hasty by assuming I was a tank. Maybe not in those exact words but the point is there.

Wait, I've gotten ahead of myself. The average person probably does not know what the fuck is happening. On account of my untimely unconsciousness, I'll be reporting what Dex told me.

For the record, I did not consider the head-clearing-thing drugs.

Let me clear that up real quick because I realized the word "shot" can be misleading! That being said I really did down the thing because me and staying focused were not best buds. We were strangers on the street who bumped shoulders once or twice at best.

As for the reason I agreed to try it? Is the name Nogginease not enough for you?

Back on track—I downed the vial of Nogginease. Five entire seconds of blissful anticipation ensued. Nothing.

At this point, I should have not let my body absorb the stuff. Reason? After thirteen years of clowning people with allergies (I did not actually do this!) karma decided to make me it's bitch and put me in serious need of an EpiPen.

"S'there a reason your face is blurring right now?" I'd asked and Dex hit me with a confused look. Now that I'm in my better mind I think he only understand three words of that sentence at the time.

It didn't take long before the air started feeling heavy and an epic rash started popping up. "Ah, fuck," I slurred, honestly barely alive at this point. Dex was, understandably, panicking as he accepted his role as a temporary crutch. "Healing center" was probably the last thing I got out before total darkness.

With Dex as my only source of information, too much happened. First, Fitz brought me here—Dex admitted that his Vacker distaste lowered by a solid twenty percent! Elwin had not a fucking clue what was happening.

The fact that I survived that was purely by chance and natural selection—which I can respect. God was not ready for the absolute headache I would be if I'd died today.

Biana happened to be passing by and noticed her brother looking like someone had died, which, now that I've said it, is a joke in poor taste I admit.

Keefe was, as usual looking for an excuse to skip class and waltzed into this shit show. And now the whole party is present for my funeral!

Bullhorn was not having a good time. I made sure to remember to get him a treat or something s an apology for almost ascending to the next stage of life, the poor thing.

Oh, speaking of poor things—

"I THREW UP ON HIM?" I'm very narrowly restraining myself from cackling the most heinous cackle ever cackled in the history of evil cackles.

"It was only his P.E. uniform—why do you look so pleased?" Elwin was giving me one of those "play nice" looks mothers give to their oblivious toddlers.

I waved him off. "He knows why, plus I'm too loveable to blame for that long." That was a complete lie. If I'm being honest with my self evaluation, I'm probably the most annoying barely-teenager to have been born in a hot minute.

Elwin was still giving me elixir after elixir of who-knows-what when he let the party bus enter the station.

"Sophie... what exactly happened?" Biana was the first to ask.

"Hm, well, see that's between me and Dex, you know?"

"I'm not gonna suddenly combust you can tell them," Dex said. I made sure to give him a very audible 'Have you seen yourself?' look. He wiped his nose.

On that note my head was still pounding and skillfully dodging a plethora of questions and chugging elvin medicine wasn't helping. "How'd I get here anyways? I know Dex couldn't carry me." Yes, Sophie! Make a jab at the boy having a crisis! Maybe he'll laugh and stop edging a panic attack!

"Didnt you ask that already?" Biana decided to contribute. I have a photographic memory, I swear "Fitz helped him." So that's how vomit got on his shirt.

Maybe I did know Dex better than I thought because he did laugh and, not a moment too soon, insulted me back. He added, "You're not exactly light." This fucker.

"He-! "

"So!" Elwin interrupted before that shit show could start. "This one needs rest. I'm going to need the paparazzi to go to their afternoon sessions."

... Did that actually just come out of Elwin's mouth?

"Are you possessed?" I asked him. "If you saw someone claiming to be my ghost and needed a body borrow, do not trust them!"

"I guess I'm not to surprised you can still make jokes," he said—clearly avoiding the question by the way! Be finished shoo-ing my friends out and turned back to me. "You almost died, Sophie, and I had no idea what I was doing. You need to be more careful with limbium from now on, okay?"

Alright we've left cool uncle territory and entered doctor mode.

"Assuming you would know anything about allergies the first time you see one is unfair-"

"I'm not guilty about that-"

"Yes, you are. Now, shut up I never get to be the therapist." I've been getting a lot of looks today, but Elwin's blank stare took the cake. "Also very optimistic of you to assume I know what limbium is." Should I remind them I got here, like, a month ago yet?

Elwin laughed, It was one of those laughs you do when a kid is being batshit insane, like you know this kid thinks they're really smart for the absolute dog shit that fell out of their mouth.

I'm very proud of myself to get the look for the first time ever!

"Drink this," he said, elaborating no further. Elwin, the asshole, decided to wait until after I down it all to tell me it was a sedative.

"I'll tell you about limbium later, you need rest and I know you won't do it on your own. This is a vial of the mix that helped you start breathing again." He tied a vial of clear liquid on a chain and put it around my neck.

He managed to squeeze that information into the four seconds before I felt heavy. "Fuck you, Elwin." I said very affectionately, before I passed out the the second time today.