If My Heartbreak Was A Book

chapter 5

I don't think a single part of me could really ever hate you, the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach but at the same time part of me does, but I don't hate you exactly, I hate that you turn out everyway you promise you not too and I should of seen it coming right? Why didn't you just leave me alone if you knew I was not what you wanted, why would you let me think we could actually work if you knew we wouldn't, see I don't understand how you could just play with my heart like, still even through all the pain you put me through I still wish the best for you and I still love you but I am done caring for someone who only made me feel used for my body, I could never be like you, something deep down in me was broken that there is still days where I can't leave the bed, and to the pain you brought me was something unspeakable, there are no right words to describe it. Months have passed and I haven't heard of you or about you, well that was til the bondfire where I heard you were coming I drank more then ever that night I didn't want to be sober and then I saw you and I felt that ache I first felt when you left, the memories and flashback of the time we spent together, the first time when your lips met mine, the feel of your touch on my skin, and how you kissed my scars, it hurts to even speak about it how you made me feel safe to destroy me once again after It took me forever to rebuild myself, then after our break up when I once let you use my body how you made me feel as you actually love me but you didn't, you just loved my body and how you used your words to trap me once again, but once I had to block you and I explained why you understood and you told me to be safe and to not hurt myself but it was to late for that, I relapsed but not just with self harm but with drugs, I started drinking more trying anything to numb the pain, but soon enough it all stop working, nothing seem to ease the pain and now each day is either harder then the day before or nothing at all, some days it feels as if I'm faking my happiness, I miss you I will not lie but I refuse to reach out I will not allow you to put me more through hell, it is not fair to me. Sometimes I regret giving my Body to you, sometimes I regret not giving it up sooner but then again I loved everything about it the way you made me feel safe during intimacy, I think you were the only boy that will every make me feel as safe as I did and if I'm being honest I think you might even be the last person I will trust with my body that much but not just with my body but with my heart, soul, and mind. I'm not very sure if I'll actually ever recover from you, I mean everything you had put me through it was not fair but that's life for you right? I realize as I'm writing this book it's just most of the words I wish I could say to you but this is the only way I can get everything out, part of me wishes I was not so vulnerable around you because then I wouldn't be so hurt but I trusted you and that was my first mistake, I Hate this feeling it's just confusion and hurt and I hate it I Hate it so much, but I don't really think I can get rid of it, I'm scared part of me will stay like this forever, I'm scared that I will never be about to trust another person. I will not lie I think this made my overthinking worse and yet I keep trying to not but how can I not when all I can think about is you.