If My Heartbreak Was A Book

Chapter 7

Denial is a funny thing, we all go through it at some point, losing a family member, a dog, or a past lover, I've been through denial before when loosing my grandfather, but you man I never thought I would have to go through with you, see you didn't die, so this is a different type of denial, in a way I can't really explain, I don't hate you I think I've made that very clear but now I have anger towards you, I wanna scream, yell, just something to set me free from this, I didn't wanna believe your gone but now I have came to terms that you are that your no longer coming back, usually I would beg for people to stay but I didn't beg and part of me should of maybe I could of convince you to stay, but I knew you wouldn't and even though it hurts me I let you leave, I can no longer hug you, kiss you, touch you, and can't say I love you. I realize now that I am turning into you the only different is I don't smoke like you, I don't smoke at all, you cause my heart break, you shattered me, you cause me to ruin myself and now I have barely any motivated to leave the house, I'm afraid I'll run into you, I don't think I'll ever be ready to see you, not now not ever. But one day I hope you remember me I'm small parts of your new partner, I hope she can make you laugh and smile, I hope she heals you, and maybe in another life time or universe we'll end together that it'll be me and you but sadly it's not this one. I wish you weren't a lesson I wish you were my endgame, now I can't say I hate you but I am angry with you, I think now I can see all your white lies, your number appeared in my new phone so I blocked and deleted it, did it hurt yes but I can't keep it because I know it'll cause greater pain, I wonder if you have forgotten me, I wonder if you miss me, there's a lot I think about, I just don't understand love, you'll be the one I'll never get over and that is sadly the truth, I didn't think you would hurt this bad, your just a boy, part of me realize you haven't mature, your not ready to settle down, you just want to have fun, and that's not for me, I seen a future with you and that's where I once fucked up again mistake number two, I think I ran out of tears well at least I did tonight, but I realized as much as I love you, I want you no where near me, I want you from as far from me as possible. I don't know if maybe one day I'll forgive for the pain you gave me, but now I can't, I can't forgive you, you have hurt me to the point my little sister had to help me off the bathroom from from crying and falling to my knees, to where my bestfriends had to sit in the room with me and try to make me laugh, to the point where my mother thinks I need professional help, see if you could understand me, maybe you would of realized I actually love you, I was there for you when you needed me, I was there for you when I didn't need to be. I really have lost myself, I don't wanna eat still but I force it down, yet I feel sick, I don't wanna sleep, yet I'm trying, I just wanna be me once again, but you took everything, you have broke me and left me in a deeper hole I once fought so hard to leave.