If My Heartbreak Was A Book

chapter 9

Months later and I thought I was fine I haven't cried about you since the bondfire but here I am today crying, struggling to breathe. I don't know what it was to make me think of you, to miss you, to feel all the pain again, nothing seems to feel right, I don't feel like im living it's more of surviving, the panic attacks are only getting worse, not being able to sleep is getting bad again, as it feels like I'm getting better it, i start to miss you again, you left me with so much more problems or at least made the ones I already had worse, I don't wanna miss you anymore, I don't wanna hurt anymore, but nothing feels right, I don't feels like me, I Hate what I see in the mirror, i am not the girl you love, why can't I just accept that, I mean I do but I don't, it's all so confusing, my birthday is coming up, and it's hurt because I wanted you to be there, now I wish to not celebrate my birthday, I don't have the motivation like I use too before I met you, you took part of me I had to fight so hard to get back, as you took the part of me, it caused a void that can't be healed, you weren't my first love, my second, but you were the third, and I fell hard, harder then I fell for someone, why did you do this? Why did you allow me to love you? I don't understand why this hurts so bad. This isn't me I'm not type to cry this hard over a boy, when I thought of love or being in love, I never thought this would how it feel, I wouldn't have thought I would be in so much pain, but I am and I can't escape, I don't wanna move on but I do bcuz I don't wanna be here crying anymore I Hate it. It feels like I have no to talk to about this I haven't even talk to my bestfriends and the other day I dropped a person I care about the most, ever since you gone everything seems likes its going down hill and there's nothing I can so to fix it, but I got passed my birthday with some help of some friends and for a good minute I didn't miss you, I didn't even think of you, as I write theses chapters there days apart, I haven't missed you in awhile I had one last finally break down, I think I'm finally getting over you, it's been months since we broke up, there someone else who's been able to make me feel again and I think lie when I said you weren't my first love because with all the thinking and learning I've been doing I realized that you were. I think I'll always love you, I think deep down I'll never fully be over you but I am over the pain, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, I think losing the person who we both knew helped because I knew that no matter I would still hear about you, I no longer hear about you, I no longer crave your attention but I do love you and I wished best. Don't get me wrong I know I'll still think about you here and there, I know that I wish we had a different outcome, and I know I wish we could stay friends but this for the best, I will always care for you that I promise and if you needed me I will still be there, but I no longer wish for closure, I no longer wish I could see you and try to fix things. You were in my life for a reason but I don't know what that reason was I can fully say I'm ready to move on, I'm ready to be okay, thank you for everything, and I did see you one last time, you were working, it was only for a split second and when I saw you it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would, I don't think you saw me though, you may of heard me because I was laughing with my friend and sister, but for the split second I think I did get the closure I needed, I wasn't angry nor sad not even confused, I wasn't happy either but I was okay I did see you on my birthday and I think that's why I wasn't so upset it was my birthday wish that I see you one last time but not to get with you, it was more so I knew you were okay but I don't wish bad on you, I wish everything works out for you and maybe one day, in the future we can be friends but for now I'm okay with you being gone, I'll do what I need to do and you do what you need to do but this is my last chapter to you, this is my last chapter to this book, I have accepted that I'm not that one you want, I finally accepted that we were not meant to be, but I hope you know if you need me I'll be there, funny how I went through Bella swan's pain who would of known, nothing last forever it may take longer to get to over that feeling it took me a couple of months but I'm okay now and if there's a day where I miss you once again it'll only be for a split second, I love you but I'm ready to let go, goodbye.