If My Heartbreak Was A Book

chapter 6

Okay so maybe I am not over you but I am if that makes sense, it hurts to think about you so I try everything not too yet that doesn't seem to work either part of me wants to relapse once again to feel something other then this feeling I have right now, I hate that when I do sleep your the only person that appears in my dreams then I wake up with this aching feeling as if something is missing, and I know it's just me missing you but see I don't want too, I didn't give myself time to heal I try moving on trying to find a new partner when one doesn't work out I just wanna try and distract myself from you but yet at late nights your still the only person who seems to appear on my mind, I think most this is the most I ever missed someone more then I thought I would if I'm being honest, today i got a feeling that maybe you might have had when we were dating and then part of me realize maybe this was the feeling that made you leave, i don't think I'm ready to date anyone I don't think I'll be ready for awhile and maybe I have to be single and actually give myself the time to heal. I never understood why I let you in so much or why I felt so safe, now I realize I'm turning into you that I'm no longer myself, I'm tired and hurt and nothing make sense anymore, I have all theses confusing feelings causing more pain then anything and I just can't understand why you still have to be on my mind, everyone is telling me that I look happier that I look like I'm getting better but I'm not and now I'm trying to get more hours at work or drinking and hanging out with others just trying to find anything to distract me, I don't understand why I love you so much, but I do not just love you, I love your family, I love how you get so focus on your game or the way you get excited when you talk about something you like or just get good news, I love you so fucking much, today I had to re-delete your number from my phone, and I still have your photos in my phone, I'm not ready to let you go and the shitty part is I know I have too because your no longer mine to love, but like fuck I love even saying your name, I don't think I'll be okay not for awhile, it's been a couple of months and yet here I am at 9:44 pm writing, one day it seem to be like I'm over you, other days not. I do not understand why human feelings are so complicated, maybe i don't know myself as well as I thought I did not even my best friend can make me feel better anymore, I'm so tired that I don't even wanna be around my family, at least you kept your promise to me by telling me you lost feelings, I just wished I didn't have so much feelings for you, I don't understand why i have to feel things more deeply then others and changing myself doesn't seem to help either, I feel like im drowning, some days I cry til I can't breathe, why does my issues cause this to hurt more, why do I have to be this way, why can't I be normal, losing you was the worst pain I ever felt, and what sucks is I have no one to talk to about this, they all think I've moved on, I mean I even convinced myself that was til I seem you, heard ur voice, heard your name. I didn't even wear the ring you gave me and now it's back on my finger, I hate you but I love you and it sucks I just wanna be okay I wanna be me again.... but I can't, I'm lost, you broke me...