If My Heartbreak Was A Book

chapter 8

The moment I can finally catch my breath and the daze starts to clear, that feeling of relief starts to appear, when I have finally come to the understanding that they are no longer coming back hits me, I know I have to let it be. If they were meant to be they would of stayed right? Maybe fought for me? I can't completely get over it, see I will not lie with it, maybe to my friends? Yes, they don't need to know I'm struggling to get over you, they don't need to know I've have once relapsed with self harm, trying to feel anything but the feeling I have for you. I don't want them to see me as the broken girl who can't get over someone, but your not just someone and that's what they don't understand, you were the first person to make me feel normal, happy, and okay with what goes on, but that was mistake number 3, I should of stayed closed off I should of not let you get close, usually I'm really good at reading people, I can see right pass their lies, but when I look at you, I didn't see danger, I didn't see someone who lied, when I did look at you, I saw boy who had demons bigger then mine but I wasn't afraid, no not one bit, I wanted to be there to be the person you relied on, and maybe that's were I made another mistake, trying to be there for someone who didn't want my help, see when I think back to our relationship, I don't think you were ever in love with me, I don't think you really care for me, but I think you were in love with the Thought of being in love with me, I think maybe deep down you had some care for me... just not enough. Then when I found out you moved on after a week when we ended I knew you been lying, I knew that this was gonna hurt, I just didn't think it would twice as bad, I dropped out of school, I dyed and cut my hair, I went through all of the break up fazed and that's why I think I'm not gonna get over fully, I've hated you, I've missed you, and I accepted your not coming back. I wasn't a good partner, I got upset that you were trying to buy me things, that you were trying to take care of me, i was raised to take care of myself to never depend on a man because they'll leave, and I think why I didn't see danger either because you were trying to take care of me, but you did leave on a night I needed you the most. So I guess in a way I didn't trust you fully, because ever man that has been in my life had left some way, now thinking back I have realized your not ready to grow up, there's alot that you need to fix on your own, and as for me I'm just better alone, I love you, I think I have made that very clear, but maybe I just love the version of you that you showed me, the ADHD soft stoner gamer boy, who just craved physical attention, something I wasn't very good at giving, I mean I was but I wasn't. I hope the next person who comes into your life can heal you from all the pain you been through. And to latest ex I am deeply sorry to her, we both did something we don't do that has hurt her, she didn't deserve that but you begged and begged and I let my feelings get in the way, and I have hurt her, myself and I guess you. I'm not the type of person to sleep with someone who's in relationships that's not me, but you have this way with words, and the way you look at me and loved on me, I couldn't escape it, now I have so much more hurt to add the to pain, that.. is what made me hate myself.