Charlie and Nick Fanfic - PG13 Version

Pain

TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENT INCLUDES THEMES OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE.

The hiss of the shower was loud enough to mask Nick's muffled sobs. He sat in the bathtub, hot water pelting his naked form as it washed away the mass of tears that refused to stop flowing. He kept his hand was clasped over his mouth, terrified that Charlie would hear him. He wanted to go to Charlie, be enveloped in his arms as Charlie stroked his hair, casting a spell of calm over him. But he couldn't go to Charlie. Not with this. Guilt was not something Nick wanted Charlie to feel over this. Surely that would only aggravate the situation, causing Charlie to want to hurt himself even more.

Charlie had agreed to see his therapist. It had been some time since Charlie felt he needed it. His impending appointment at least offered Nick some relief and a tint of hope.

He had to stay optimistic for Charlie, not only to prevent his boyfriend from feeling worse about himself, but also to maintain his own sanity. Even after all of the research and years of trying new methods, Nick felt completely useless. There was no way to fix Charlie and take away that intrusive, self loathing that always seemed to find Charlie and drag him down.

Nick struggled to find his optimism today. When he left for his brother's wedding, Charlie started withholding the truth. He didn't tell him about Ben, about quitting his job, or about his relapse. All of it was Nick's fault. He should have been here. He should have protected Charlie.

An audible sob escaped from his lips and fell through the cracks of his fingers. What if things were worse than he thought? What if Charlie wanted to do more than hurt himself?

Nick's head hung and his shoulders slouched with hopelessness as a realization dawned on him. It was likely that one day, if the wrong mood hit Charlie, Nick would lose him.

The image was already clear in his mind's eye. Nick would come home from work one night to an eerily quiet flat. Charlie's shoes and coat would still be waiting by the door as Nick's chest would tighten with horrified anticipation. He would find the man he loves lifeless, surrounded by blood still spurting from the gouges he had dug into himself.

Eventually he would abandon Nick, unable to bear the agony of being alive any longer. It didn't matter how much Nick loved Charlie, there seemed to be nothing he could do to relieve that pain.

I can't lose you, Nick thought, trembling with emotion. I'll die if you leave me.

It took some time and a lot of effort to push down these emotions. Nick stood in front if the mirror for a good twenty minutes, forcing a smile onto his face before he finally wrapped a towel around his waist and stepped out of the bathroom. From the bedroom, Nick could hear Charlie laugh and his fake smile didn't feel so fake anymore.

"I thought he was a burglar!" Charlie exclaimed into his phone. "Nearly gave me a heart attack."

Nick could hear Tao's muffled voice on the other end of the line.

"Maybe," Charlie replied to Tao, unsure of his answer. He listened for a moment. "I'll text you if we can make it."

Nick sat at the edge of the bed as Charlie ended his call with Tao.

Charlie sighed, crawled down the bed and hugged Nick from behind. "Thanks for getting me a babysitter, by the way," he said pointedly.

Nick dragged his hands down his face with regret. "I told him to call you a couple times because I wouldn't have a signal. I wanted you to have support if you needed it. I didn't think he would practically move in."

"You didn't think I could go two weeks alone?" he wondered, offended. "Shows how much faith you have in me."

"Well, it didn't make a difference anyway, did It?" Nick snapped, immediately wishing he had kept quiet. "I... I was just worried, okay? We haven't been apart that long since my first year of uni. It had nothing to do with my faith in you."

Glancing down at his tattered wrist, Charlie tugged the sleeve of his new sweater down to hide the fresh markings. He pondered for a moment then changed the subject. "You still have the rest of the week off and I'm unemployed. Should we have some fun?"