Mishaps on Malachor

Chapter 10 - Re-aging

Author's Note: I'm well aware that Vader is being very un-Vader-y, and I don't really know why. It just felt right when I was writing. I think it has something to do with how he's already changed how he uses the Dark Side, because children aren't capable of being so dark, and he doesn't know how to go back.

~ Rivana Rita

There's only one chapter left. ^-^

~ Amina Gila

"What were you doing out here, anyway?" Anakin asks instead. He understands how pressing this is, but he can't stop the fear smothering him. It's mostly dulled into an exhausted acceptance, the way it always does, but he doesn't want to think about it.

Most of all, he fears how he himself will change after they break it.

He knows there's some reason Obi-Wan chose Tatooine, and he can't imagine what. He senses the importance of it, and when he reaches deeper into the Force, he can sense... someone. Someone brilliant in the Force, as bright as the sun. "I sense it was important, and I sense someone. Did you already find a replacement for me?"

No, he doesn't care that antagonizing Obi-Wan is a very, very bad idea. It's the only thing that makes him feel less helpless.

"Nothing can replace you, Anakin."

He wishes he knew what to say to that, because he doesn't understand. It was so simple before coming here. He couldn't return to Sidious and tell him he failed to kill Obi-Wan again. He had to let go of what he truly wanted most – the feeling of home, of family – to serve his master, and now that he sees the faintest threads of that again, he doesn't know what to do.

And he can feel it in the back of his mind, the fire tearing him apart and the pain that followed in the months of healing, how it never did truly heal.

He can't face that again.

It's only the semi-adult part of his mind keeping him from breaking down entirely and demanding to know how Obi-Wan could have done that because Sidious told him over and over – it was Vader who betrayed the Jedi. It was him who betrayed everyone.

Even if the Jedi betrayed him first.

Pain gives him strength, and he tries to remind himself of that again, even as part of him curls away from the universe in a raw, blinding fear and how his mind whispers don't hurt me again, please, I'll do whatever you want, just not that again, master, I can't, I can't –

It's not as if his master would listen to his pleas any more now than before.

"You didn't answer the question," Ahsoka points out, breaking through his never-ending spiraling.

"I will give you the answers perhaps after he has proved his trustworthiness. If you are ready, I think we have waited long enough."

Kanan and Ezra take their seats again, and Anakin stands shakily. He's completely worn out with a bone-deep exhaustion no length of sleep can take away. He's too tired to keep moving and trying to drag himself forwards. Ahsoka steadies him, and they slowly move to reclaim their seats. "I'll do this for you, Ahsoka," he says at last, trying to ignore how it feels like he can hardly keep his eyes open. He's so tired. But he'll do it, for Ahsoka, because she doesn't deserve to have Sidious hurt her.

"Thank you," she says, and that's all. That's all there is to say, anyway.

Meditating near Obi-Wan is even worse. At least otherwise, he can try to block off the presence as much as possible. When he's immersed in the Force, he can feel it so strongly it hurts.