Just Us //Byler

Chapter 15

TW: Mention of self-harm                                   will

I wish i could say that Ive stopped doing self-harm since i stared dating Mike, In fact i thought maybe it would get easier. It did not, but its not worse so i guess that's good.

I want to stop, but i can't. It's like an addiction, i do it when I'm sad, Angry, Irritated or just upset. It feels like a relief, like i deserve it. Witch i do. 

I have been dating Mike for 2 weeks now, we haven't told the party yet but mom and Jonathan knows. We have decided to not tell Ted or Karen yet since Ted is like super homophobic and we're unsure if Karen will support us. I am sitting on the couch right now, waiting for Mike to come over. It's 3 pm so he should be here anytime now and its already starting to get dark, i hate the winter. Mostly because its so cold and i often get panic attacks because it reminds me of the mind flayer and when i got flayed. I can't really remember what happen when i got flayed. But i remember i did very bad things, i remember that i killed people and stealing bags and money. Mom says it's the mind flayer that made my mind think that i did that, that it never happen, that i was asleep the whole time and i we're with them and i guess i can trust her. I mean apparently i was with her so she should know, but what if she's lying to make me feel better? What if i actually killed people? Jesus calm down Will. 

-knock knock-

I quickly get up from the couch and get to the door, " Hello Will " Mike says, he's wearing black jeans and a sage green oversized t-shirt with some kind of  black band print on it that i haven't heard of. " Hey Mike " I respond, giving him a fast kiss on the lips and backing away from the door so he can come in.

Usually when we hang out we just play board games or watch our favorite movies, so that's what we do. 

He sits down in the couch while i put in the VHS, " soo, what movie are we watching ? " He asks, i can feel his eyes burning into the back of my  neck while I'm on my knees facing my back to his face trying to start it. " Ghost busters" i reply, we have probably seen that a thousand times but its the only movie we have at home that isn't a horror movie.

" Seriously we have watched that like a million times Will. Can't we watch like a horror movie? "  He chuckles, 

" This the only movie we have home that isn't a horror movie" i say with a grunt as i sit down between Mike and the armrest " Can't we watch a horror movie then, pleeeaase " almost begging like a kid. " Mike, you know i hate horror movies" I rest my head on his shoulder and he wraps an arm around my waits " I'll protect you " I feel how my cheeks start to get warmer and  I look up at him, seeing that he already stares at me and i can feel myself getting lost in his eyes before i let out a sigh and say " fine, but this is the first and last time we watch an horror movie. " I see how his eyes lift up before he nearly jumps up from the couch and turn on " The shining " instead. I hope this won't be to scary, tho i have Mike.

After 20 minutes into the movie i start to drift into my thoughts, maybe i should tell Mike about my self-harm problem? But what if he judges me, what if he thinks I'm just doing it for attention? Maybe i shouldn't..