Back 2 U (Jaeyong)

18

For Taeyong the days are passing equally as slow. He didn't let Jaehyun go because he doesn't want him around. He let him go for his own good, at least that's what he tells himself. He can see that Jaehyun is sad but in his head he feels like it isn't fair to cling to him when he's not ok. His heart tells him otherwise and so do his friends but he wants to wait it out. He did see pictures on Instagram of Jaehyun kissing the new boy at the party and it was very upsetting but he figures he lost his chance at ever being his boyfriend anyway and will have to settle on being friends if he still wants that in the future.
He's been talking to his therapist three times a week but he's not getting far enough for his liking.
"Mom?" He walks up behind her, she's doing dishes in the dimly lit kitchen, lost in her own little world.
"What's going on Tae?" She asks as she wipes her hands and turns to him.
"Can we talk?" He asks softly and of course she melts. He doesn't want to talk much these days so she is great full for any chance she gets.
"Of course. Come." She says as she gently grabs his arm and leads him to the couch.
Once seated he stares at the floor and looks anywhere but her. He fidgets with his fingers, then wipes his eyes frustratedly. She touches his hand and he sighs.
"I'm just so sick of all the tears." He says softly. She nods with a soft smile.
"I'm sure you are but, even when it's hard, it's so
Much better to feel." She says while she takes his hand and squeezes his fingers.
"I want to stop going to school for a while." He says surprising her.
"My doctor and I were talking about a more intense therapy. Everyday, all day access to doctors and of course I can still work on my schoolwork online." She's a little quiet at first and Taeyong feels like he may have upset her.
"You mean like the hospital?" She asks carefully, watching his reaction the whole time. She can't believe he's so calm about this. He nods yes.
"I just want to get better, it would only be a month or so. I'll be home for Christmas." She wipes her eyes and tries to hide the sob but he hears it. He curls into her side.
"I love you ma and you are so helpful but I need this. It's eating at me every minute of every day and I just want it to stop." She smiles through her tears.
"I know. I know. I'm so proud of you and of course we will make this happen ok? I'll call the school in the morning and we can call your doctor to set it up with the hospital." He smiles and hugs her.
"Thank you. I love you." He says before he gets up and walks to his room to battle his inner thoughts alone. He really hopes this works. He's tired of hurting all the time and he doesn't feel it's fair to always lay it on his friends and families shoulders either.

The following day he is admitted right away. His mother was there to hold him and say goodbye. She offered to get Jaehyun to come but he didn't want to bother him and as much as she doesn't understand his reasons she respects them.
"I love you." She says softly in his ear.
"I love you too." He kisses her cheek and heads back with the attendant to get settled.
In his room the walls are pink, a soft baby pink and he thinks it's kind of cute. He places his big stuffed bunny from Jaehyun on the bed and puts the small framed picture of the two of them as kids on his nightstand. He puts a few pairs of sweats into the drawers, he didn't bring much for clothes since he would not be leaving the facility for a few weeks.
Today he will not start any therapy until after lunch, the doctor wants him to settle in first. He had to give up his phone and he is only allowed to read a few of the books in his room or watch tv. The only channels on it are public television type shows and he's not sure if this was the best choice for him or not. He figures he will spend a lot of time sleeping though. He lays back on his bed with his bunny in his arms. He hears the sweet sound of Jaehyun's voice singing that sweet song when he was lying in the hospital bed. Every time he feels stressed he tries to focus on that memory as it soothes him. It only serves to make his love for Jaehyun grow but he still has the nagging feeling that he doesn't deserve him.
He really hopes with his whole heart that he can get himself fixed so he can try to fix them too. He's been thinking long and hard about this and really wants to be the best version of himself so he can be confident and receive love from Jaehyun, as long as he isn't too late of course. He knows the likelihood that Jaehyun would wait for him is slim, especially after the way he treated him but this is all he can do for now. If he is taken then he will accept it and be his friend.