(Everyone stares at each other in awkward silence before Edward Scissorhands reluctantly takes a step forward)
Edward Scissorhands: ...Hello. (Kim reaches for Edward's arm)
(Charlie Bucket steps forward as well, but Willy Wonka quickly stops him)
Willy Wonka (hushed to Charlie): (puts his arm in front of Charlie to stop him) Charlie, don't get any closer. They could be dangerous.
Charlie Bucket (hushed to Willy): (looks up at Willy) I just wanted to say 'hello'.
Sweeney Todd (hushed): (facepalms) Ugh, there's more?
Tonto (hushed to John Reid): What say you, kemosabe? Evil spirits or just... strange looking people?
John Reid (hushed to Tonto): ...Who knows?
Captain Jack Sparrow: Angelica?!
Angelica: Hello, Jack. I've been looking for you all day.
Red Harrington: (steps forward) So this is the famous Jack Sparrow you told me about? (walks over to Jack, looks at him curiously, and slyly smiles) Hmmmm, not a bad looker. Not bad at all.
Angelica: (clears throat) Red, focus.
Violet Beauregarde: (looks to see Mike Teavee staring at John Reid with wide eyes. She waves her hand in front of his eyes and he doesn't respond) Uh, Mike? Hello! Earth to Mike Teavee!
Veruca Salt: (looks at Mike) Is he okay?
Violet Beauregarde: Uh... I have no idea. (looks back at Mike) Mike! What is wrong with you, dude?
Mike Teavee: You're the Lone Ranger and Tonto! (excitedly runs over to John and Tonto)
Willy Wonka: Mike, you know who they are?
Mike Teavee: How could I NOT?!
Tonto: (looks at John nervously) Another fan, kemosabe. (Mike grins and nearly passes out when he hears Tonto say 'kemosabe')
Ichabod Crane: (nervously takes a step towards Jack Sparrow) Excuse me, sir? Your name is Jack Sparrow?
Captain Jack Sparrow: Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please.
Ichabod Crane: (inspects Jack curiously) Judging by your attire, Mr. Sparrow, I'd be inclined to think that you are some form of corsair?
Captain Jack Sparrow: Me? Oh no, mate. Bloodthirsty mindless savages, they are. But me? I'm just a simple pirate. Wouldn't hurt a fly unless it suited me, savvy?
John Reid: (looks at Ichabod, then at Jack) Mr. Sparrow, are you aware that piracy is an arrestable crime? Of course you'd be. You don't really strike me as a law-abiding man.
Ichabod Crane: Yes, I agree. And I'm afraid I shall have to take you into custody.
John Reid: Me too.
Captain Jack Sparrow: (smiles wickedly at Ichabod and John) Is that so? You and what army?
Ichabod Crane: (looks around to see everyone) All of you would bear witness to the justified arrest of this criminal, would you not?
Charlie Bucket: Arrest? What did he do?
Tonto: (steps forward and looks at Ichabod) Boy makes good point. What did he do?
Ichabod Crane: (glowers at Tonto) Pirate things, of course!
Victor Van Dort: (clears throat and steps forward) I don't mean to interrupt, but that sounds a bit broad. Have you even seen Captain Sparrow do anything bad?
Ichabod Crane: Well... no, I haven't.
Edward Scissorhands: (steps forward) Then you can't arrest him for no reason; it's not nice.
Ichabod Crane: I'm not trying to do the nice thing; I'm trying to do the right thing.
Victoria Everglot: What's right about arresting an innocent man?
John Reid: You call him innocent?!
Captain Jack Sparrow: (looks at Ichabod) Uh, you know, um... what's your name again?
Ichabod Crane: (glares at Jack) I am Ichabod Crane, scoundrel.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Fine. Mr. Ichabod Crane, if you're looking to arrest someone... why not arrest him? (points a finger at Willy, who raises his brow in shock) He took me compass.
Willy Wonka: Jack, what are you doing?! I thought we were cool!
Alice Kingsleigh: Yes, you made a truce!
Captain Jack Sparrow: Either or.
Willy Wonka: I gave it back to you, didn't I?!
Victor Van Dort: Are you always like this?
(Everyone suddenly starts arguing with each other and yelling and talking over one another for a minute or two until Sweeney has finally had enough)
Sweeney Todd: (stomps his foot down as hard as he could and everything abruptly goes quiet) STOP, ALL OF YOU! (breathes heavily, then slowly calms down) Now, this is getting us NOWHERE closer to the Queen's Tea Party, is it?
Mad Hatter: (his eyes widen and he walks over to Sweeney) Did you just say the Queen's Tea Party?
Sweeney Todd: Yes. What of it?
Willy Wonka: (steps forward) Did you receive an invitation?
(Sweeney frowns, holds up the invitation, and says nothing; the Hatter gasps)
Mad Hatter: (turns to look at the rest of the group) Whoever has received an invitation to the Queen's Tea Party, raise your hand and say 'aye'.
Willy Wonka, Victor Van Dort, and Captain Jack Sparrow: (they each take a piece of paper out of their coat pockets and hold the paper up) Aye.
Edward Scissorhands: (looks at Kim who takes a piece of paper out of her dress pocket and carefully gives it to Edward. He holds it up) Aye.
Tonto (simultaneously): (holds up his invitation) Aye.
Ichabod Crane and Barnabas Collins: (they each take a piece of paper out of their pants pockets and hold the paper up) Aye.
Mad Hatter: How curious... Do any of you know Her Majesty?
Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Victor Van Dort, Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Tonto, Ichabod Crane, and Barnabas Collins: (look at each other, then back at Hatter) No.
Mad Hatter: Then... Her Majesty must know all of you. But how?
Ichabod Crane: Wait! (approaches the Hatter) How do you know the hostess of this mysterious gathering?
Willy Wonka: Yeah, Hatter. You never did tell us how you know this Queen.
Mad Hatter: For your information, the Queen and I have been the dearest of friends since we were children; I was also her own personal hatter. (smiles proudly)
Victoria Everglot: You made hats for this Queen? (Hatter nods in response, still smiling)
Will Turner: (clears throat) This is still getting us nowhere.
Mike Teavee: He's right. Can someone just tell me who this hostess is?!
White Queen: I suppose that would be me.
YOU ARE READING
Johnny Depp's Wild Tea Party
HumorWhat would happen if some of the most iconic characters portrayed by Johnny Depp ended up in the same room together?
