Johnny Depp's Wild Tea Party

Act 3, Scene 1

(Everyone freezes and looks at the audience as Ed Wood stands up from his front row seat with a big smile on his face)

Ed Wood: That was perfect! (runs up onto the stage and everyone backs away from him)

Victoria Everglot: What was perfect?

Ed Wood: This! This whole thing! Oh my gosh, you guys were FANTASTIC! Good thing I got it all on film. (looks at a movie camera near his seat and smiles proudly)

Mike Teavee: ...You were filming us THIS WHOLE TIME?

Ed Wood: Sure was. (smiles at Mike)

Willy Wonka: Hold up, hold up! ...Who the heck are you?

Ed Wood: Oh right, none of you know who I am; my name is Edward D. Wood Jr., professional movie director. You can just call me Ed Wood for short. Nice to meet ya, Mr. Willy Wonka. (offers his hand to Willy and grins)

Willy Wonka: ...You know who I am?

Ed Wood: Of course I do. I know all of you. You know, I was starting to think those guys would never show up; but I guess I was wrong.

Charlie Bucket: Wait... did you call them?

Ed Wood: Those bad guys? Yeah.

(Everyone looks at Ed in shock, then anger)

Everyone (sans Ed Wood): WHY?!

Ed Wood: Why? Because this show was getting boring. During the intermission, I just called Angie on the nearest landline to see if she could spice things up a bit, and boy did she deliver. And with those other guys she brought with her? This will probably be my greatest work yet! I'll be famous!

(Mirana steps forward and looks at Ed. Iracebeth and Tarrant step forward as well, only to stop a few inches behind Mirana)

White Queen: YOU are the cause of all of this chaos?

Ed Wood: Well I wouldn't exactly call it "chaos", more like problem-solving in a way. But yeah, I guess I am.

(Mirana narrows her eyes at Ed, everyone else follows suit)

Mike Teavee: Dude, not cool!

Violet Beauregarde: SO not cool!

Mrs. Lovett: Have you lost your marbles?!

Ichabod Crane: Are you out of your mind?!

Edward Scissorhands: What you did was wrong!

Victoria Winters: Someone could've gotten seriously hurt!

David Collins: Or maimed!

Elizabeth Swann: Or even killed!

Captain Jack Sparrow: We nearly lost the Bucket boy to one of those blokes!

Corpse Bride: You, sir, are completely MAD!

Mad Hatter: And not the good sort, either!

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: I have half the mind to rip out all of your teeth right now!

Barnabas Collins: For your heinous actions Master Wood, the Piper must be paid. Everyone, what say you?

All (sans Barnabas, Mirana, and Ed): (general agreements)

(The group, except Mirana, approaches Ed, only for Mirana raises her hand to stop them)

White Queen: Hold on, everyone! Please! Allow me to handle this. (looks back at Ed, giving him a dark glare. She clears her throat) Mister Ed Wood? Your crimes against me and my companions are worthy of death. (Ed freezes at the mention of 'death') However, that is against my vows to harm any living thing. Therefore, I must ask you to peacefully leave this place and never return.