Johnny Depp's Wild Tea Party

Act 1, Scene 1

(A spotlight shines on Johnny Depp as he walks to the middle of the stage)

Johnny Depp: (clears throat) Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening and welcome to Johnny Depp's Wild Tea Party. Now I know what you're thinking, this is probably a show dedicated to all of the cooler movie roles I've played. But you'd be right and wrong at the same time; apparently tonight's show is dedicated to a few of my stranger and more complex movie roles. So I thought I would give this opportunity to– (a loud gunshot is heard and the lights abruptly turn off) Huh? Okay, everyone, just relax; there's no reason to panic. I'm sure that was just a—

Captain Jack Sparrow: Everyone, stay calm! I'm taking over this ship! (runs onto the stage and stops in front of Johnny Depp as a spotlight shines on them both)

Johnny Depp (under his breath): Oh man...

Captain Jack Sparrow: (looks at Johnny curiously) Who the bugger are you, mate?

Johnny Depp: I'm Johnny Depp.

Captain Jack Sparrow: That'd be short for John, I imagine. Are you the captain of this vessel, Master Depp?

Johnny Depp: What? No, this isn't a ship, pal; this is a stage. And I'm the host of this show.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Host? Show? As in... a production of some form, a play?

Johnny Depp: Sort of... Wait a second, what the heck are you even doing here? Do you have a ticket?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Um... define ticket.

Johnny Depp: (sighs) Just as I thought. Pal, if you don't have a ticket, then I'm afraid—

Will Turner: Jack! Jack Sparrow! (walks onto the stage from stage-right with Elizabeth Swann and stops in front of Jack and Johnny)

Captain Jack Sparrow (under his breath): Here we go...

Elizabeth Swann: There you are!

Will Turner: We've been looking for you.

Captain Jack Sparrow: (sighs) Have you now? That's very kind of you both. Tell me, do either of you know anything about this stage show that's currently being put on?

Will Turner: No.

Elizabeth Swann: No. (notices something white speckled in Jack's dreadlocks) Wait, Jack. What's that in your hair?

Captain Jack Sparrow: What's what?

Elizabeth Swann: Let me see. (wipes her finger through Jack's dreads and examines the substance) It feels... cold and wet. This almost looks like ice... or even snow.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hmmm... (looks at his dreads and notices the specks of white starting to melt) ...That's interesting.

Will Turner: Snow? But how can that be?

Kim Boggs: I think that might be because of us. (walks onto the stage with Edward Scissorhands at her side)

Captain Jack Sparrow: Who are you?

Kim Boggs: I'm Kim Boggs... and you are?

Will Turner: My name is Will Turner and this is Elizabeth Swann.

Elizabeth Swann: Hello.

Kim Boggs (simultaneously): Hi.

Edward Scissorhands: (looks at Jack Sparrow curiously) Who are you?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Me? Well, (clears throat) I just so happen to be... Captain Jack Sparrow. And what's your name, boy?

Edward Scissorhands (shyly): Edward... (slowly shuffles towards Jack)