I Like You Lots (Steddie)

Chapter 9

TW; anxiety, mentions of drinking, past trauma brought up, mentions of gender dysphoria, oh and fluffy stuff <3

Dinner was really nice. I wasn't ready for Steve to go home after but he did need to work tomorrow, and so do I. And spending another night together didn't seem like the best plan if neither one of us was too confident in the strong will department and could end up playing hooky again. I really didn't want to cost Steve his job, he is good at it.

Even if I didn't like thinking about the possibility of him catching anyone else's eye I know it's a reality of having feelings involved with someone like him, I had to battle the inner demon. The one who got jealous. The one who's worried he's going to find someone better.

It's not that he's giving me a reason to feel like this. He's absolutely perfect in every sense I can think of. He knocks down my walls without even trying. And that's the scary part. The vulnerability. Him seeing me without everything I've built up. Would he still see me as... well... me?

I'm worried I'm not... man enough for him. If I let my walls down. The stereotype that comes with being vulnerable, is feminine. And that, as wrong as it may actually be, is something that plagues my brain so much. I hate thinking that way. I hate that society sees things that way and it's haunting me. Am I allowed to be emotional, and vulnerable, and soft, and still be a man?

How do I get through this stupid ass stereotype? I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to think that. But it's what's shoved at us from such a small age. Boys are supposed to be tough and hard to read. Mysterious. Rough around the edges.

But something about Steve, makes me soft. And I don't know how to handle it properly. I was probably raised incorrectly. How can I unlearn these standards that are completely untrue?

I'm allowed to feel. I'm allowed to fucking feel. I just need to keep telling myself that.

—MORNING—

My alarm blares, once again disrupting an otherwise pleasant sleep cycle.

DING.

'Morning baby. I hope you have a good day<3'

'I hope you do too, sweets<3. Lunch today? Same place same time?'

'Always. See you then. Xx<3'

I get up and get into the shower as usual. Warm water helps me wake up a little more. I'm not exactly a morning person, but I can manage if I get to see Steve every day at some point. I'm so stuck on him. I don't think I can fully comprehend how quickly I'm forming this attachment.

I check the mirror, looking at my scars that are a very permanent reminder of who I am. And all of the changing I've done. I'm grateful for them, but it still pings a pain inside. Great. Gender dysphoria is not something I was prepared to deal with today.

I pick up a baggy shirt and pull it over. Hiding any imperfections I don't have the brain power to deal with. Headphones are going to come into handy today I think. I put them in my ears, turning on 'The Passion of Lovers' and let the sound take over my thoughts.

Grabbing a redbull from the fridge (thanks Robin), and my phone, wallet, keys and cigarettes I head out the door to work. Lighting a cigarette as soon as I get outside.

The store front is dark, as usual. No sign of life being inside aside from me. The first thing I do is turn the music on to a good volume. Songs from MBV, Arctic Monkeys, and Brand New echo through the store. It's nice being able to play whatever I want. I didn't have to worry about keeping it on non-explicit versions.