I Like You Lots (Steddie)

Chapter 18

A/N; I was buried all weekend in fic and I am back at the surface now and if you need a rec I got you. But be prepared to have your heart smashed.

TW; anxiety, uncertainty, mentions of drug use

I can feel the breath escaping from my lungs, crying for someone to help me. Begging for another chance, promising some all-knowing whatever that I won't do it again. That I can stop. That I can change. I can make them love me again. They loved me once, right? I'm back home, lying on the bathroom floor begging for help. One more chance. I won't do it again. I can be good. "No Edith, you can't be good. You'll never be good enough." My father says to me, no emotion in his eyes. Tears are streaming down my face. "DON'T CALL ME THAT NAME!"

"Eddie? Hey..." I can hear his voice. It's quiet, distant. Am I dreaming? "Baby wake up I'm here..." Steve? I open my eyes and he's right there, arms outstretched on my shoulders, a frantic look on his face. "You were crying and yelling..."

"I- Steve?" I collapse into him, bury my face into his chest letting out deep, sobs. I don't know where they're coming from. Why am I dreaming like this? Why can't I make it stop? "Shh it's okay... I've got you."

"I'm so sorry..."

"Why in the world are you sorry?" He runs his fingers through the back of my hair, trying to comfort me but it just makes me feel worse. He shouldn't have to deal with me like this. I should be home feeling sorry for myself, not here. Not in this sweet mans arms in his bed. He doesn't need to see me like this. "You don't have to deal with me like this, you know... I could leave."

"Hey. No, stop it. Don't say that. I'd rather you be here than anywhere else." I'm grateful, but I feel so full of guilt. "It's my fault she's gone you know, my leaving probably caused her to go-" It's a little after 2 AM, who am I kidding? Where am I going to go?

"Eddie stop it. You're spiraling." Am I? Or am I having a moment of clarity? "I'm not fucking spiraling. I know as soon as I call him back that's all I'm going to hear. It's my fault. I shouldn't have left. It's my fault she started taking drugs blah blah blah.." My tears are hot, and they will not stop. I can feel myself getting angry. I don't want to be angry, but I can't stop. I push myself out of his arms, and sit up, curling into myself.

"You know that's not true though..."

"No, it is my fault. She wouldn't have done any of this if I would have just been the kid she wanted me to be. If I hadn't been born in this stupid body... I wish I could have been the daughter they wanted me to be. But instead they got me." I sound pretty fucking hostile but I can't help it now. I can't stop the words from falling out.

"You can't blame yourself for that. She's an adult, she chose to do that. You're perfect just the way you are and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you..." His voice is soft, but I can't help but feel pissed off. I am not fucking perfect. She should have been taking care of me. She should have been doing a lot more things, but she wasn't. She was too busy with her own habits. I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere close to perfect.

I can't stand it. I'm bubbling up with anger and sadness and I can't hold it in. I can't deal with this shit right now. I need to go on a walk. Drink. Smoke. Something. I can't sit here and spin in circles about what he thinks. He doesn't know shit about me. "I can't do this with you right now. I need to go." I get myself out of the bed, and pull my jeans back on. "I have to go."

"Eddie-"

"No, Steve. No. I can't do this. You have no idea what's going on with me right now, and no matter how hard you're going to try to understand, you just don't. I need to clear my head. I don't want to be mad at you. Let me go."