I'm Really Bored

8 Things Wrong With Me

{I'm most likely going to take this down after a little while. This is super personal and I don't honestly even know why I'm posting it. It's just something I need to say, and I don't care who sees it right now, at this point.}

1. I over analyze everything. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. You might give me a cracker and I'll find some meaning in the exchange. You might awkwardly cough next to me and I'll take it as im being obnoxious just by sitting there. I might hear a rumor about me and I immediately think everyone thinks the same way. It's a curse, I tell you.

2. When I become obsessed with something, my whole world and thought process immediately become overwhelmed by it and it's all I can think about. When I finished SAO Season 1 in a weekend, all my thoughts the following weeks consisted of Kirito and Asuna rather than math problems or scientific processes. And it affects my ability to focus and pay attention. I guess that's why I day dream so often - there's always something I'm obsessed with...

3. I'm a try hard. Yes, I admit it. I go above and beyond what's required of me for no reason whatsoever. I don't get extra credit or anything like that. Maybe I just like the added praise or something. I don't know. I stopped caring.

4. I don't know what I'm feeling sometimes. No, scratch that. ALOT of the times. I've lost count of the number of instances that I've burst into tears without reason or become so filled with rage that I threw a private tantrum when I was just sitting by myself doing nothing. I've come to learn that I'm good at reading character, how people are. Yet, I can't seem to figure out why exactly it is that I get so overly moody. Maybe I'm bipolar. Who the hell knows anymore.

5. I'm really independent, but not on purpose. And, in my case, it's not really a good thing. I don't place trust in others easily. It's just not something I can do. Yet, here I am confiding my secrets with the Internet. I'm so smart, aren't I? It's always so easy to let go of personal baggage when you're an anonymous user behind a screen, but when it comes to real people I close myself off and hardly even speak. That brings me to the next thing wrong with me.

6. I'm not a people person. I can't tell you how many people have said things about me behind my back like, "she's too quiet," or "why doesn't she ever talk," or my personal favorite, "she's so boring." Ladies and gentleman, you have hardly even scratched the surface of what there is to know about me. But why should I tell you personal crap when I hardly know you? When we hardly have any common interests? When you've never shown any interest in talking to me before? When we're from two totally different worlds yet still live on one single planet? It's simple, really, why I don't talk much. I just don't feel that I have much to say. Am I boring? You hardly know me, or what I like, or what I've been through. You might have heard this lecture a thousand times, but I'm repeating it because it's important. You know you, but you don't know me.

7. I write to express my feelings. There actually isn't anything wrong with this in principal, except for the fact that it's not the commonly accepted thing to do for people my age. We're supposed to talk to someone if we need help, if we're languishing in self hate or have no idea how we can possibly move forward ever again. We're supposed to be able to tell our feelings through speech, supposed to form coherent sentences that describe exactly how we feel, supposed to find where we fit in and express ourselves through that outlet. Well, I guess my outlet is in writing. Because you're either stupid or physically blind if you can't see that the things humans can feel cannot be expressed through plain and simple text. Themes help express our ideas in new ways, ways that make sense. Style helps us show our personality and gives way to our voice, our way of thinking. And dammit, if adjectives didn't exist, I probably would never have even joined wattpad in the first place. So, yeah...what else is there to say. I hope I've done my best to convey my feelings in a straightforward fashion. It's not something I usually do, mind you.

8. I let my worries get the best of me. Yes, yes, you may think it's silly to even mention this. You might be thinking, "Of course you do, everyone does that sometimes. It's part of being human." Well, my case is a bit more extreme than that. My head gets so filled with doubt and lack of confidence that I come to believe the worst possible scenario is going to take place. I have this nagging thought in the back of my head that literally never goes away, not for one second. It's always there, reminding me of every little thing I've screwed up, every flaw I have, that there's a chance I'm going to f*ck something up like usual. It's not true, and I know that. But it's hard to argue when...it's kind of myself telling me these things.

I'm so sorry I pushed all this depressing crap into you. I just needed to get something off my chest. I wasn't even thinking about anything related to any of these topics until I hopped onto wattpad and decided to write something. Hence, this list way born. This impromptu, completely improvised little speech where I practically poured my heart out to people who

A. Have no idea who I am
B. Could use it against me
Or
C. Don't care

I really hope it isn't C but hey, it's your own mind. Whatever floats your boat is fine.

Anyway, if you wanna comment some things you dislike about yourself to make yourself feel better, or if you'd rather PM me because the comment section is a bit too public for that sort of thing, I'm always willing to talk. Especially if you want to talk through something that's bothering you. I've always found writing/talking things out helps tremendously to straighten and clear my head.

So, see Ya later I guess. Love you all. <3

Keep it cool,
Stay in school.
Flower power,
~Fi