I'm Really Bored

New Years Resolutions

Hello my friends

I decided that 2018 deserved a little update despite everything. I've been mostly inactive for the last two or three years due to high school responsibilities and my own personal issues that have been a serious detriment to my motivation to write. For that I must apologize, but I also cannot offer any false promises that I ultimately wouldn't fulfill. I've just been really down and out about a lot of things recently. I know you don't want to hear about it and I don't blame you, so I won't go into the finer details. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for dropping the ball so painfully and leaving you all to hang.

But 2018 is a fresh year. Everyone says they'll change at the start of each year, but they rarely ever mean it. And even if they do, it takes some real mental fortitude to fulfill the more grandiose resolutions one can think up.

So, here, I offer you a "realistic" set of New Years resolutions I hope to work on this upcoming year. Hopefully I won't drop the ball yet again this time around.

1. Write in a journal almost everyday.
This might sound childish, but I found an empty journal in the storage room of my house and decided to take up writing semi-daily remarks about my mental state at the time being. My hand might cramp up from the sheer anger with which I scratch words to the page, but the venting will be worth it. I hope.

2. Talk to people more.
Junior year has been a bad one for me so far, but one thing I have managed to work on is simply talking to my classmates. They aren't so bad...some of them anyway. I'm still nowhere near a social butterfly, but I at least went from no friends to three acquaintances in my physics class and I'm going to safely call it an accomplishment.

3. Smile more.
Positivity goes a long way according to my mom. And I would take her word over a billion others in a heartbeat. With the kind of shit she's been through, it amazes me to see how optimistic of a person she can be sometimes. I might not be at that level of prep yet, but I can start with a few more smiles, I guess.

4. Stop ignoring friends so often.
I'm incredibly guilty of leaving people on read. When I'm not in the mood to talk (which is most of the time, unfortunately), I stop responding. I feel the regret wash over me an hour later, of course, when I realize how much I hate being ignored myself. It's so hypocritical; I'm disgusted at myself. Yet I keep doing it for my own personal gain despite knowing it'll be unhealthy in the end. So, I want to stop ignoring the ones I care about. At least, not as often.

5. Eat healthier.
I'm gaining weight; it's an indisputable fact I've chosen to ignore up until several months ago. Now it's all I can think about and sometimes I find myself taking over my body wishing and screaming for there to be some magical way to make it all go away but I think the only real solution is to eat better. Cut out snacks and junk, especially so I can perform better during the track season. I hope it goes well.

6. Put more effort into studying.
There came a point in time when I stopped caring about a lot of things, most of them in regards to the wellbeing of myself and those in my immediate vicinity. Self destructive tendencies are so much easier than forcing oneself to care, but my mental health is deteriorating faster and faster by the minute and much of it is due to the stress I out myself through when I don't study. I need to just sit down and do the work. Jeez.

7. Get on meds.

8. Make at least something I can put into an art portfolio.
Even if just one painting or drawing, pieces worthy enough to show to art schools need to start and happen NOW. I'll be applying to colleges next fall and I'm still very unsure of what I want to do. It's been really stressing me out, so instead of dealing with it I choose to remain in this frozen state of no progression. Je n'aime pas.

9. Wear whatever I want.
Since going through my clothes a couple weeks ago, I decided that I'm going to stop feeling like I have to present myself a certain way to people. I'm just going to wear what I want, when I want, and try not to be so self conscious that I turn right around and change. I want this doubt to be over.

There's some part of me that knows so many of these small things won't even get done, and, while it's disheartening, I guess the thought was the first step.

Here's hoping this won't be a fruitless endeavor,
Fiona