𝔇𝔢𝔣𝔦𝔞𝔫𝔠𝔢 (𝔏𝔢𝔳𝔦 𝔵 ℜ𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔯)

XLVIII - Guilt

"I beg to differ."

***

~The next day~

After a few months without even a drop of rain falling to the earth, dark clouds began to simmer above Headquarters and stretched beyond further than the eye could see. I had somehow managed to get myself out of bed and set up refuge in my office, opening the window and sitting on the windowsill. My legs hung out the window, head leaning against the frame as I take deep intakes of the rain stained air that indicated the rains arrival.

A cool late afternoon breeze flowed over my skin, my figure being covered in only that of a pair of shorts and the bandages Hange had wrapped around my upper body. My hands held each other as I cushioned them between my thighs, encasing some type of warmth that emitted from my partially clothed legs. One drop, gradually followed by another, and another began adorning my skin with a natural glow. But I enjoyed the feeling. The coolness of each drop of water cooled the sensation of whatever my body wanted to feel, whether that be a burning hotness or an uncomfortable sense of frigid cold that sat thick on me like a layer of honey.

I like the rain. It brings a feeling of calmness to the mind, almost like the world has feelings too. A natural cry to destress itself from whatever despair it endures throughout this fight for even a taste of freedom beyond those large stone structures that separated us from so many mysteries. A sound I love to fall asleep to. A downpour to cleanse the lands. Just the thought of rain soothed my rampant mind.

But I still couldn't rid myself of that feeling of loss. Emptiness. I closed my eyes, embracing the feeling of the cool, wet droplets that slid down my cheeks to my chin, finally dripping down onto my bandaged torso.

A knock sounded at the door but I remained seated on the windowsill. My silence deemed permission to whoever was waiting on the other side of that door as the door creaked open slightly before closing again.

"Hey Sunshine." Hange's voice soothed. "How're you feeling?"

"Physically? The same as yesterday. Emotionally? I'm not entirely sure." I answer, dropping my head down slightly as I continued to lean against the frame. Her presence made itself known on the space next to me, an audible sigh sounding as she made contact with the wood.

"Don't worry about it. You already have enough on your mind, your recovery should be your first priority at the moment." She says, a smile evident in her voice.

"I wish it were that easy, Han. When recovering like this, barely anything to keep your mind off of certain things it's hard to distract yourself from reality. I can't even train, it hurts getting out of bed, breathing feels like a chore. I'm stuck with my mind." I mutter, opening my eyes and looking down at the yard three storeys below. A silence befell the brunette, her legs in the room and her back turned towards the world.

"It's not your fault." She murmured after a few moments.

"Then why do I feel so guilty?!" I exclaim. "This guilt consumes me, I feel like I'm losing my mind! What did I do to deserve such horrors happening to me? I'm tired, Han. I'm so, so tired. How much longer until it's satisfied? How much more of my life is going to be robbed until the world is satisfied with my pain?" Hange leaned over towards me, reaching across my chest and gently gripping my shoulder as she pulled me towards her.

Both of her arms encased themselves around me, pulling me against her as she leaned her head against mine, my head laid on her shoulder. Tears. Empty, hot tears streamed down my cheeks leaving staining trails behind.

"It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It never was your fault." She repeated against my hair, rubbing hand up and down my back. "I'm sorry, hun. I promise-"