𝔇𝔢𝔣𝔦𝔞𝔫𝔠𝔢 (𝔏𝔢𝔳𝔦 𝔵 ℜ𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔯)

XVIII - Wavering Guilt

It's about time I wasn't so stressed about living for once.

***

The two weeks had went by in a blur and my heart ached for my comrades. Two days from now is when I depart from the Scouts and join Garrison and during that entire time, I had done nothing productive. Training wasn't stressful, more so it was more of a distraction from the fact I'm having to start over against my will.

"Fuck." I sigh heavily as I rub my eyes with my palms, sitting up on my bed and gazing across the room. The moonlight was suppressed by the clouds that had moved in front of it, giving off a muted glow.

I still hadn't gotten over the fact that they were gone. I hadn't forgiven myself or Erwin for the expedition events. The way I could've saved them, done my duty as one of the strongest soldiers in the military, or the way Erwin could've done his duty as a Commander and had me squad with them and give me a chance.

But since their deaths, Levi had willingly let me get closer. As if I was the closest thing to Isabel he was going to get. Though, he hasn't opened up and I doubt he will any time soon, it's just good knowing that he trusts me to be by his side, whether I was leaving or not. I think it's safe to say I consider him a friend.

Hange, Zion and Reece have been coming up with plans, all of which were completely unachievable and over the top, to keep me in the Scouts. Of course, Erwin would overlook their efforts and label them as idiotic or foolish, despite how stupid or clever.

Levi hated that I was leaving, even though I had only just became well-acquainted with the raven. He refused to admit it but it was evident in the look in his eyes, he still loathed Erwin for sending me away even though it wasn't his choice.

As for myself? I didn't know how to feel. Whether I should be happy I'm working alongside my brother or enraged that he's the reason I'm leaving everything I had worked so hard for. Sad because it could take me weeks, or even months to see another familiar Scout again or excited to experience something that wasn't as gruesome as beyond the walls. One emotion was certain though and that was concern.

Reece and Zion were hurting too, I could tell. They just tried their best to not break in front of me because they knew I was slowly picking up the broken pieces Isabel, Farlan and Sam had left behind. Hange's smile wasn't as full as usual and it hurt. I didn't like it when she had negative emotions within her and reassurance was tight when it came around.

I stood up and stretched, readjusting the belts that were tightened around my thighs and chest. During this point of grieving and recovery, I barely wore casual clothes. Sleeping in uniform seemed like less work than chucking on a normal tee and shorts, yet we all know it's the opposite. My mind was just magnetically pulled to my harness and the wings of freedom marked attire.

And soon that was going to be changed to roses.

Pacing out of my room, I yawn from exhaustion but I was unable to sleep. Most sleepless nights I spent training until dawn, then regiment training would start. But I'd somehow muster up the stamina to train as though I did get a good nights sleep the night before.

The halls were empty, the air still. The light taps of my boots making contact with the wood seemed quieter than my breathing. I walked outside, relieved by the soft breeze that I was met with. Instantly I felt awake, but still so numb. My feet moved forward without consent, leading me to a tree. I reached forward, gently placing the palm of my hand on the rough bark. I closed my hand into a fist and unknowingly moved gradually into stance.

My other hand balled up in another fist as I forced it forward into the tree, a harsh thud sounding. Punch after punch, the stinging pain slowly became more bearable until I couldn't feel anything at all. I let out sharp breaths with each force of contact, sweat dropping as fast as blood left my punctured knuckles.