Loving Raven

1. All American Dream

"Cullen I want to remind you that everything you say in this room is completely confidential," Dr. Adamms began writing in her notepad and continued her manuscript, "You are free to say as much or as little as you wish during our sessions. Whatever is on your mind." The end of her manuscript, which she repeated each time I found myself entrapped in this room, signaled the beginning of our sessions which were to took place once a month.

I knew why I was here, it was upon my father's orders because he had concreted into his mind that I was depressed. I wasn't depressed, I just didn't see the reason for living anymore. I found myself not sleeping, hoping one day sleep deprivation would take it's toll on me. I found myself not having the appetite to eat anymore, also hoping one day my stomach would officially eat itself from the inside. In which I would meet my timely, but untimely, death. All of these thoughts circulated in my mind constantly, however I wouldn't call myself suicidal. I didn't want to physically harm myself, I just didn't want to be alive.

"My father thinks I need therapy, but I don't. He says I'm depressed, but I'm not. He and I don't get along much these days, but it's not his fault. We just don't see eye to eye on things anymore," I watched her begin to write in her notepad, and it made me wonder what she was writing. "You see, my father had plans for me. Plans he and I both shared. He wanted me to join his Ivy League school that he had attended after High School, and I was all for it. I was in line to join the Greek life and everything, and pursue our dreams of becoming a Legacy to his Fraternity House. This year thing's just changed for me, and I don't see myself going to college anymore."

She peered up to look at me from her notepad for the first time, "Why do you feel this way? Surely there has to be a reason for an intelligent, bright, and ambitious young man to all of the sudden go through this life crisis."

"It's not a life crisis," I began, "Things just changed for me after the accident."

"Talk to me about the accident Cullen," her attention went back to the notepad, "Is this the accident that killed your girlfriend? The one that was all over the news a few months ago?"

I shook my head in refusal, "I don't want to talk about the accident, it has nothing to do with the way that I'm feeling. At the end of the day Raven is dead, she's dead and that's my fault. That's the guilt that I have to live with, Dr. Adamms. Can we please not talk about Raven?"

"We talk about what you talk about," she removed her glasses, folded them and placed them on her notepad, "We can talk about anything. Your parents, your dog, your friends, or even next week's football game. I'm not here to judge you, I'm not here to discipline you and tell you right from wrong. I'm simply here to listen and help you come to terms with the way you feel. I'm here to help you understand your emotions, and to better help you cope with your emotions."

"I don't want to talk about Raven," I could feel the burning from the tears building in the ducts of my eyes, "I want to learn how to forget Raven, but at the same time I want to remember her. There's no moving on from Raven and the love that she showed me. I want to be able to forgive myself for what happened to her, but I don't want to talk about her."

"Let's start from the beginning Cullen," she said, "The very beginning, where you believe everything went wrong for you."

I let out a slight chuckle, "You'd be referring to my mother. It was because of her that I had a slight distaste for women. A mother's last true love is the son she births, especially the oldest. For my mom, however, I was the complete opposite."