Loving Raven

8. Therapy Session C

Dr. Mills and I had remained silent for about half of the session at this point. It was our third session and I was finding it harder and harder to open up about anything, having said what I was comfortable with saying already. My mind was in overload, an unforgiving rollercoaster of thoughts. Deep down I knew Dr. Mills could sense these things, however she didn't say anything. She wasn't obligated to say anything during our sessions, everything she did say came as a response to things I had chosen to tell her. At this point it wasn't much. She knew the basics; she knew about my mother abandoning me and taking off, she knew the gist of Raven, but she didn't know the nitty gritty.

"Can we talk about something?" I asked rather annoyed by the silence in the room, "Anything, I can't sit here in the quiet any longer. I'll go mad."

"We can talk about whatever you want Cullen," she readjusted the way she had her legs folded over one another, "I cannot stop you from talking about anything that's on your mind, I just can't tell you what to talk about during our sessions. Why don't you start with something that makes you happy, tell me about your relationship with Raven." 

Just the sound of her name escaping from Dr. Mills' tongue sent my heart on a highspeed chase, and not in a good way. It would begin to race, sometimes as if it were off rhythm, but it would sting at the same time. "I wish I could tell you our relationship was rainbows and unicorns, the perfect relationship, but I'd be lying," I began, "It wasn't bad, we hardly butted heads. I just wish Raven would've been the first girl I had done things with." 

"Go on," she was doing her usual jotting in the notebook, "What kind of things?" 

"I had always dated girls and when I would date girls I'd do the normal stuff," I gave out a slight chuckle, "I wouldn't call myself a romantic person, I wasn't, but I did treat my ladies to nights on the town and movie dates. It just wasn't as frequent as normal couples would do. That was one of my biggest regrets, I had treated women so poorly and foully that I didn't know how to respond to having an actual girlfriend that I wanted to do things with. I constantly wanted to be up her ass, it almost scared me." 

"I think the words your trying to find is puppy love," she took her glasses off, the same thing she did every time she started one of her lecturing manuscripts, "Before Raven you were in a lot of relationships solely based off of puppy love, you didn't reciprocate those feelings for the other women so your mentally not responding to the things you should be doing with a woman you genuinely care about. What makes you feel this way? What was it about Raven that caught your eye and your attention?" 

This was a question I had often been asked before, however I never knew the words to answer it. "I'm not sure," I started out, "Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe she was just another dose of puppy love. She caught my attention because she was the only female who didn't tolerate my bullshit. She never let me off easily, and she was quick to erase me out of her life. When Jackson said those horrendous things about her, I kind of lost it. I found myself wanting to defend her because she was the only girl who didn't fight to be seen or noticed by me."

"And that's what separated Raven from the pack of wolves, she saw through you. She saw the games you were playing and put an end to it happening to her, and that's what you respect her as more than just a person but as a woman. She showed you that you were better so you made yourself better for her," she closed her notepad and returned her pen to the spiral portion of her notepad. "Cullen I have enjoyed these visits with you, I really have. I think we have reached our breaking point," she stood up pleasingly from her chair, "I think we can finally bring these sessions to a stop, mandatorily at least. If you still need someone to talk to, my office and building doors are always open."

I stood up with a confused expression on my face, "A breaking point? Dr. Mills I haven't even begun to tell you about the accident or anything that happened after the accident."

"You're right, you didn't. That's okay Cullen, I am not required to know your life history and everything in between that went wrong. Like I said, this isn't me saying you don't need therapy. This is me saying you're not required to come here once a month, if you choose to do so  you're doing it on your own free will," she walked to her door that led out into the lobby and held it open for me to make my exit, "Remember if you need me, come see me. I think you're ready." 

My father was parked outside in the parking lot, him driving me here being one of the many highlights of the day. I seated myself in the passenger seat, his gaze never leaving his phone. "How was the session?" he asked failing to look up at me. 

"I don't need to come back," I began as I fastened my seatbelt, "Something about I've reached a breaking point, and that she thinks I'm ready. I didn't even tell her about the accident, she only knows some of the things about Raven. Therapists are so confusing." 

My father put the car into drive and began driving down the busy California streets, "Have you given anymore thought into going to college and pursuing that career you've worked so hard for? It's been your dream since you were a little boy to follow in your old man's footsteps, I'd hate for all of that knowledge and hard work to go to waste." 

His question made me realize the reconciliation I had come to terms with that day in Dr. Mills' office. The accident wasn't the end of my life, it was a new beginning. Raven wasn't the only love of my life and her death wasn't the end of the world, it was a new beginning. Me seeing her in my dreams wasn't an act of fate or destiny, it was her telling me she was ready to move on and crossover. In order for her to be able to let go of the Earth, she had to be ensured that I was alright. She needed to know that I was going to make it through this life without her until it was time for me to meet her on the other side. I was her unfinished business, she was mine.