Loving Raven

6. Heated Conversations

I don't remember drifting off to sleep that night. I laid there staring at the ceiling after several attempted failures; several glasses of warm milk, too many sheep and cows jumping over the moon, and too many countdowns from one hundred.

When I was finally accepted into the depths of dreamland, I was welcomed by the biggest oak tree. It was nestled in a field that was covered in a plethora of roses, daisies, and sunflowers. The sky had never been so clear, scattered with perfect little white fluffs that never managed to cover the sun. There was not a gray cloud in sight. Animals feasted upon the flowers: deer, rabbits, and squirrels galore. The weather was nothing like it had been in California, the sun cradled your skin rather than sending it ablaze. The wind kissed your cheeks, never allowing for you to drop a hint of sweat.

Was this Heaven?

Seated behind the oak tree was a girl dressed fully in white, her back hair was perfectly straightened and fell just below her shoulders. "Excuse me," I hollered in her direction trying to attract her attention. I couldn't believe my eyes when she turned around, that familiar smile staring back at me almost sent me into tears.

"Hello Cullen," she stood up from her perch on the ground and stood there as if beckoning for me to continue walking towards her, "You're not hallucinating, it's really me."

I wanted to run into her arms, scoop her up without the chances of ever letting go again. I found my feet glued to their resting place, however, unable to take those treacherous steps fearing I would wake up. I knew I was dreaming, and I wasn't ready to awaken just yet, I wasn't ready to lose her all over again. "I miss you," I choked on my words, those being the only ones I was able to force out.

She continued to smile that familiar smile, "I know, I miss you too. You must move on Cullen; you can't keep living like this." Her eyes met the ground, and I could see the tears beginning to fill within the ducts of her eyes.

Her sadness made me want to have the strength to move forward, to take those strides that separated me from her. "I can't move on Raven; I won't move on. You were the love of my life. You were everything I had ever wanted in a person. I need you; I can't let go," I pleaded with her thinking it would somehow change the circumstances. I was hopelessly wishing somehow my words could suddenly bring Raven back to life.

She motioned with her hands for me to come towards her, "Why are you still standing there? I'm not going anywhere Cullen; you're dreaming but the reason you're here is because I brought you here. The dream doesn't end until you decide to wake up, but until you do that I'm not going anywhere."

I stood there for a few moments unsure of what I should do. I mentally deliberated my two options; if I moved and she disappeared I would know this was all in my head, if I moved and she didn't disappear I would know that there was still the slight chance of Raven and I being together. "Why are you here? Why did you bring me here, Raven, if you just want me to move on? I can't go on without you," I wanted to cry, I could feel the stinging within my eyes signaling that there were tears in my ducts. The tears, however, never seemed to escape my eyes and onto my cheeks. It was as if I was unable to cry, as soon as the tears would form, they would be soaked up by forces unknown. My strides came slow, but I soon found myself making my way towards her, meanwhile in the back of my head I was waiting for the inevitable. I was waiting for my mind to mentally pull me out of this strange but beautiful place. I met her at the big oak tree and took a seat right beside the place in which she had been seating, her joining me at the same time, "What are we doing here?"

"I had to bring you here because you're falling apart and it's all my fault," she looked down and kept her eyes glued to the ground, "I'm dead Cullen, we both know that. My life's over but that doesn't mean yours has to be. Your father had these dreams for you, dreams you shared with him, and you're throwing everything away over an accident. An accident that neither of us could have prevented, and something neither of us can take back. I'm dead Cullen." She kept repeating the fact that she was dead, and each time irked me a little more than the previous mentioning. It was as if she didn't realize I knew she was dead, I just didn't want to accept it.

I let out a huge sigh, "It's impossible to move on without you Raven. I never know I could love someone and then I met you, I knew it from the start that you were different. You stood out to me more than anyone has before, you changed me for the better. I can't let go of you like that."

"You have to Cullen," she stood up angrily, "I'm stuck here because of you, I'm stuck because you keep clinging onto what's dead. I'm not your mother. You can't live your life staring at a ceiling hoping that one day I'll just come back into your life. Your mother didn't do it, she's still living. I can't do it. I want to do it so bad, but I'm dead Cullen. Please just let me die in peace."

I stood up joining her once more and angrily screamed, "I can't let go Raven, I'm done with this conversation. I'm done with this wicked dream!"

Cold sweat drenched my face and the pillowcase when I awoke, my heart racing at a million beats per minute. The dream seemed far too real; Raven's outbursts seemed far too real. Did she really want me to let her go? What did she mean when she angrily exclaimed that she was stuck in that world? What was that world? I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes and made my way into the living room, all the lights had remained on which signaled my father hadn't made his way home from work just yet. I perched myself into an armchair with a book to pass the time until he came home. I was avoiding sleep; I didn't want to dream anymore.

My father's car roared its way into the driveway causing me to jump with fear, bringing my attention back to reality and away from my quick escape that was the book. He creepily unlocked the door and attempted to sneak his way into the house, an attempt at not waking me up which was already too late. "You're home awfully late," my words caused him to jump with fear as he continued to ease the door shut.

He shook his head and threw his keys onto the counter making his way into the kitchen, "Not that I must explain myself to you seeing as I'm the one that pays the bills around here, but yes son I am rather late. The Emergency Room was flooded tonight. Your mother would have gone crazy over it, it was that flooded! Broken bones, cuts and scrapes, gunshot wounds, a car accident on the interstate. It was a madhouse, and I was caught right in the middle of it! I was the only Orthopedic Surgeon on the surgical floor." He made his way to the fridge and began making himself a plate of leftovers, "You want to chow down on some food with me before you go to bed?"

I shook my head in refusal, "I already had the midnight munchies for the evening, I'm stuffed." I seated myself in one of the barstools aligned with the island in the kitchen and watched as he put his portions onto a plate and lastly putting the plate in the microwave for reheating. "That therapy session with Dr. Mills went great today, thanks for asking. We had a great talk, and she wants me to come back next month. I know you said you were against the meetings, but I think they are really doing some justice on my mental health."

"If you feel the meetings are doing the trick," he turned his attention to the microwave as it chimed its chime signaling the food was reheated, "I can't stop you from going. You're grown, you can make your own decisions. As your father I must support what you choose to do, it doesn't matter what I think about anything. I don't want you throwing your hopes and dreams away for a girl that isn't here anymore. You were ambitious and had a terrific head on top of your shoulders before she came along. Neither you nor I can control what happened to her, it was an accident. You must move forward."

His words stung at my heartstrings, as did every reminder when someone would point out the obvious. Raven was dead and I was throwing my life away over the dead girl. The same thing Raven had said to me in the dream tonight, the dream I still hadn't been able to process. Something I would never be able to process.

I left my father there to finish his meal in peace and made my way back into my bedroom. I laid there and stared at the ceiling dreading for the moment when sleep would find me once again. Dreading seeing Raven again and hearing her horrific reminders of everything that had went wrong that night. The night that life took her away from me.