Loving Raven

3. The Visit

I was awakened that night from the night terrors, a now common and frequent occurrence. When the night finally found me, I was intruded by the memories of the headlights. I was traumatized and haunted by the fear in Raven's eyes, the look of sheer terror. It was as if her eyes were telling me 'this is it, this is where it ends.' I would struggle to catch my breath, just as I had the night of the accident, and then I would awaken in sweats. In the distance I vividly heard screaming, screams that were only embedded deep into my memory. Raven's screams, until one moment everything grew silent and I was engulfed into a sea of blackness. I would struggle to find sleep for the remainder of the night, and would lay there staring at the ceiling haunted by the memories I couldn't shake. Morning came rather slowly but when the sun finally began to creep over the horizon, I found myself relieved but at the same time dreaded the events that were going to unfold today.

It had been exactly one month since I had seen or spoken with Dr. Mills, thus signifying today was the day of the next therapy session. I had thought long and hard as to whether I wanted to continue seeing and speaking with Dr. Mills, all the while I wanted to avoid the idea that I was potentially crazy in the head. Aren't those the only kind of people that seek therapy? Those that need medication to help alleviate their psychosis and/or depression? Or was that just another sick stereotype? I wasn't crazy, I wasn't depressed. I was, however, taking Dr. Mills' suggestion into account. She was right. I was longing for someone to listen to what I had to say, but I didn't want it to be my father or someone like Jackson. I wanted it to be someone who didn't know my backstory, a complete stranger.

My father was going about his mornings as normal, seated at the table accompanied by a cup of coffee and the daily newspaper. He never ate breakfast, you could sit there and make an entire spread but you'd never catch him making himself a plate. He peered up from his paper for a split second when he noticed I had entered the room, "How'd you sleep? Coffee on the counter in the pot if you want some."

I nodded my head at his gesture, "Thanks, I'll definitely have me a cup," I made my way to the inviting pot of delicious morning fuel, "I didn't sleep well, I never do. Hey, I was thinking maybe I'd go back and see that therapist again today. My appointment is this morning just before noon, do you mind giving me a ride there?"

His grunt didn't signal his approval, despite the therapy sessions being his idea. He had wanted me to seek therapy for quite some time now, he wanted me to start talking to someone immediately following the accident. He had noticed my academic decline, and my social decline becoming worse than what it already was. He more so wanted me to seek help when the idea of college had went to the back of my mind, and had become the last of my worries or plans for myself. "I'll give you a ride," he pulled the coffee to his lips and took a quick swig, "But I don't think we'll continue these sessions after this one. I'll let you have your fun today. You said so yourself, you don't need a therapist. I thought long and hard about it and I figured maybe you're right. You don't need a therapist, you're a grown man. What you need is to begin acting serious about life, so I'm giving you an ultimatum. Start buckling down, get your shit straight. I don't want to hear anymore about this accident talk, it happened and you need to get over it. You've gone through a lot this year and I understand that, but I know your potential. This is not it and this is not my son, stop worrying about the girl that isn't here anymore. She's dead Cullen but don't put your life on hold by clinging to something, to someone, that isn't coming back."

His words sliced through me like a thousand knives. I wanted to call it the cold hard truth on the matter, but even thinking that way didn't mend the sting that was occurring throughout my body. It was an evil reminder that Raven, the girl who had quickly become the love of my life, was gone and she wasn't coming back. I poured out the remnants of my half drank mug of coffee and retreated myself back to my bedroom, avoiding the daggers that were coming from my father. Looks of hatred. I pounced onto my bed and buried my face deep within the pillows, wishing that asphyxiation would take its course and pull me out of my misery. Put me right back into her arms where I belonged.

Cullen, Cullen can you hear me?

I don't know where I am, but it's beautiful here. The weather never changes, it's neither hot nor cold. It's sunny, so sunny here. You think California is draped in sunlight? You should see this place.

What are you doing to yourself, Cullen? This isn't you; this isn't what you wanted. I wasn't what you wanted; we both know that. It just happened, you and me. It wasn't meant to be, if it was, I wouldn't be here. I'd be with you. I love you so much, I miss you more.

I don't know where I am or why I'm stuck here, they won't tell me. I don't even know who they are, but they're here with me always. The only thing they can tell me is I know why I'm here, and sooner it'll come to me. When it does, I can leave, and I can go to a place even more beautiful than this one. I don't think it gets more beautiful than here. I don't think that's possible.

You need to take care of your father; you need to follow through with all your hopes and dreams. You have an amazing future ahead of you Cullen, don't throw it away over the dead girl. That's what I am now, the dead girl.

I can't stay here but I'll be in your dreams, I'll see you in your dreams. I'll always be in your heart and I'll always be in your dreams.