Loving Raven

18. The Final Visit

Raven knew she wasn't going to make it out of that car alive, I could hear it in her screams. Her screams were drowned with blood, curdling with each breath she would struggle to take. The paramedics knew only one of us, if anyone, was going to make it out of there. Raven's chances weren't so great, not even after impact. The drunken driver didn't survive that night, that should have been revenger enough. He passed away while on the operating table after suffering from a massive brain bleed, that night his family was left with two options. The doctors had no choice but to operate otherwise the brain bleed would've killed him by morning. If the surgery had been successful, the brain bleed would have been extracted but leaving him paralyzed. The other option, he would die on the operating table. Regardless; the doctors, whom I now see as cowardly for doing so, would go through their best of efforts to try and save him. 

The memory of Raven's parents that night at the hospital hung onto me well after the funeral, the therapy sessions, and the visits to Jackson and Raven's mother. Her father didn't leave her mother's side for a moment, not even to fetch the two of them food and coffees as they waited for updates on Raven's and my conditions. Raven's mother belted out screams of terror the moment she was told Raven wasn't going to make it, and even afterwards she still showed concerns over my own condition.

She was seated outside of my hospital room door after Raven had passed away, and periodically I could hear her speaking with my father begging for updates. "How is he doing, Mr. McIntyre? The doctors, they won't tell me anything because I'm not family. We don't blame Cullen for what happened tonight, but please you've got to tell me something. We can't lose the both of them."

Though he was angry at the situation entirely, I commended my father for not shutting her out. In the end, he too believed she was a victim in the situation. "He's going to be fine," he began, "They had him in a medically induced coma, he wasn't expected to pull through. We didn't see any brain activity for hours, for a moment they weren't sure he was going to wake up at all. He pulled through though, I think he's going to be just fine. The shock is really getting to him, and he blames himself for what happened."

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The memory would replay in my memory again and again keeping me from sleep, keeping me away from my dreams that were once haunted by her before she finally went away.

"Cullen, I'm so proud of you," she said the night she departed from my dreams, "You did it, you did everything I needed you to do. I finally feel free, I feel at peace with death. There's a light now, a light I have never seen before being here. It's way past the trees, way past the sun. It's so beautiful, and I can't wait to go there. I'll be waiting for you, will you find me when it's your time to come with me?"

I grabbed her hand into mine, "You know I don't believe in the corny religious stuff, once we're dead that's it. This is just a dream, and you'll be here tomorrow. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, and every night when I go to sleep. You'll be here, right?"

She let out a small sigh and dropped my hand from hers, "Cullen, I can't go on if you're still clinging to me. You're the only thing that's keeping me here, I'm ready. I won't be here tomorrow, not really. I'll see you in your dreams, and I'll check on you from time to time. You have such an amazing life ahead of you, don't cling onto the memory of me and keep you from achieving your wants and dreams. It's time for me to go."

"Go where?" I said angrily and selfishly, "You said so yourself, this is the most beautiful place in this world. You said so yourself, that you loved me and would do anything to see that I'm happy. I'm happy here, with you."

"And I'm happy watching over you," she shook her head smiling, "Don't you see, we can't be together anymore. I'm dead and you're alive, you're alive but you're not living. I would have stayed if I had a choice, but I didn't. You did, and you're being awfully selfish about it. I wasn't given a choice, I had to choose death."

"It just doesn't seem fair," I stood up and peered at the ground, "It's not fair that life has to move on without you. I have to grow up without you, love without you. Get married and have kids without you."

"You're going to have such amazing kids," she stood up and joined me, linking our hands together, "I can't tell you how I know, but trust me. You're going to have such amazing kids, gorgeous kids. You are going to have such an amazing life Cullen, without me. I'll be watching you, I always will be. You have to let me go, and start living again."

"Will I see you again?" I asked cautiously, almost afraid of the answer, "Now that you're about to cross on over to the other side, does this mean I'm never going to see you again?"

"Will you see me? No," she sighed in between answers, "It doesn't work like that. The only reason you can see me now is because I had unfinished business, and you were that business. My business is now fulfilled granting me entry into the eternal world. You'll sense me from time to time, that's me checking up on you. You can't see me, but you'll know I'm there. Whether it's the wind breaking through the trees, the sun peaking out after a rainy day, or even a butterfly landing on you finger. The smallest of things could be me paying you a visit, but you'll know when I'm there and you'll know when I'm not. I've peaked into your future Cullen, you're going to get past this and it's going to make you a much stronger and better person. A wife, kids, a beautiful place to call home, and a forever relationship with your father. You're going to have everything you've worked so hard for and more, and I'm so happy that I got to be a lasting footprint in your growth." She stroked the back of my hand with her thumb, a single tear forming in the beds of her eyes. "I have to go now," she said as she let go of my hand and began backing away towards the trees, "I'll miss you, Cullen. I love you."

I watched as she turned to walk away, the form of her body vanishing just beyond the trees. It was as if she was never there to begin with. "I love you too," I whispered as a brush of wind moved it's way through me, the rustling of the leaves breaking the silence. She was free, and I was heartbroken all over again.

Raven had seventeen years on this Earth, and she was snatched away with a single snap of a finger. She couldn't be saved in her final moments, and those moments were filled with antagonizing and relentless pain. In an instant, the pain was gone and so was she. She left behind a loving family, two parents who adored their daughter and would go to great lengths to see her be successful in life. She left behind a partner, someone who didn't know or understand the definition of love until she walked into his life. She left behind friends, people who were touched by her loving and caring spirit. Though she didn't notice while she was alive, she was loved and her spirit was needed. I will forever cherish the memories I made with Raven, and the impact she had on my life. I will carry her with me, and share her memory with my own wife and children. People I hadn't met yet, but people Raven said would one day be in my life. For now, the thought of another woman causes for my stomach to churn. I'll never see myself capable of loving someone as I did Raven, much less enough to marry and one day bear children with. 

For now, I find myself sitting at the one single oak tree in a bare field. I sit here one day hoping for Raven's spirit to appear from beyond the other trees, a spirit that had exited well into the sunlight some time ago. Every once in awhile, while I'm sitting here, the air will kiss my cheeks in a way that's bittersweet. These windswept kisses are from the one that I truly love, Raven's spirit paying me a visit. Raven's spirit possibly kicking me in the ass for, once again, pondering into dreamland in hopes of seeing her. Her spirit shouting out for me to move on, and to live my life. Hours will pass, and I will soon awaken. On another day to embark on this mission of so called life without Raven, meanwhile mindlessly loving Raven.