Loving Raven

17. Funeral Processions

The memory of Raven's funeral clung to the back of my head like glue, I could almost still taste the raindrops that had fallen. Like she had into my life, Raven sent a storm the day she was laid to rest. The sun didn't shine, not even for a split moment. The rain pelted down hard, and the thunder steadily let out it's rumbles. The sky was talking, the only evident sign that Raven's presence was near on that gloomy day. Her mother held back her tears as she made her way to her seat, trying to shield her face from the daggers of everyone seated in the columns of chairs. For a moment, her eyes met mine and she nodded her head as if she were saying 'Thank you' though I had felt my presence today was necessary. The Pastor stood before his podium, his eyes also holding back tears, tears that were falling for an almost complete stranger.

I waited a moment to see if anyone would walk up to the podium before I. I quickly scanned my eyes over the crowd of people, not recognizing the first familiar face. I assumed the people joined in the crowd were Raven's loved ones; family members, old friends, but nobody stood up. Nobody gathered a single sheet of paper, or even flash cards, gathered their composure and walk up there to speak. I could feel the tension as if it were bearing down on me, urging for me to gather the strength to speak. I let out a small grunt as I stood up from my seat, and I locked eyes with Raven's mother and noticed a small smile spread across her face. Finally, someone was standing to speak on the memories they had share with her girl. Finally, someone other than the Pastor had something to say about the daughter she had lost.

"On behalf of the family, I would like to personally welcome you as we have gathered here together to celebrate the life and to remember Raven Nicole Biles," the Pastor began his sermon, "Thank you for being here today. I am sure the family recognizes that you don't have to be here. Your presence today is an affirmation of your love and support for them. Although they may not remember every word that is shared today, they will remember your presence here for the rest of their lives. Your presence today shows your love indeed, but do not end it here today. One week, one month, or even one year from now this family is still going to need you. How do we help a family in need? When we feel powerless and don't know what to say, some of the best advice I have ever heard are three simple words that start with the letter 'H'. Hush, don't feel like you have to give the family answers for Raven's death. Don't feel the pressure. There are some answers we will never receive on this side of eternity. Even if we did have a full explanation, it wouldn't bring Raven back to us or heal the pain in our hearts. Hear, listen to them. Listen to their stories they have to share about Raven. Listen to their hurt, their memories, and hear their pain. Hug, give them the shoulder to cry on. A hug to help them through the toughest of times. We all have been touched by Raven's life and story, and each of us feels this loss deeply. We cannot change what happened. The important thing is that we learn from Raven's passing, and lean onto one another. When we are faced with uncertainty all around us, I think it's important that we turn to what we are certain of. Raven loved her family and her friends. She is with us today, no matter what. Today, we ask that you honor and remember the life of Raven. When the reality of death sets in, we are often taken by shock. One of the ways to work through our hurt and pain in losing a loved one is to share stories remembering the person and the positive difference that they made in this world. We know that Raven was not perfect, but we also know that she touched many of our lives. Would anyone be willing to come forward and bring to us some memories they shared with Raven?" 

I gripped my hands to the side of the podium doing my best to keep the little bit of composure I had left before I would ultimately break down. "Hello everyone, a lot of you don't know me so let me start out with my name. It's a little crazy to have to introduce yourself at a funeral, but seems necessary when the person you loved so much was taken away mere months after moving to this new place she called home. My name's Cullen, Cullen McIntyre, and I was blessed to have shared Raven's last few months alive with her," I took a swallow of saliva in attempts to find the courage to keep speaking, "Raven was my person. In the short time span we had together, I know that's crazy to say, but Raven rescued me from my inner demons. You see, before Raven, I never had the interest in a long-term relationship. She was my first, and also very well may be my last. The sun isn't shining today, for that I am thankful, because without Raven my sunlight will never shine again. My extended condolences go out to Raven's family, you lost a remarkable person and I feel solely responsible. I loved your daughter, and it pains me to have to say any of that in the past tense. I'll never stop loving your daughter, and I'll carry her with me for always." In that moment, I felt myself break down forcing for me to step away from the podium and make my way back to my seat.

Following my lead, people came to the podium to share memories of Raven. All of these memories, unlike mine, were filled with profound joy and happiness. They spoke of past dinner parties, Christmas gatherings, and family reunions. The last of the bunch to make their way to the podium came together hand in hand, Raven's parents. A net covered Raven's mother's face, shielding her eyes and hiding the tears that had to be falling. Her father clung to her mother tightly as he began to speak, "We want to thank everyone for the time they have spent gathering with us today to share their memories of our beloved daughter, we are eternally grateful for all of you. It's heartwarming to know she was loved in this world by so many, and touched all of you in different ways."

He stepped to the side making way for the Pastor to take the podium once again, "It has been good to sit down with Raven's family to hear about her life. To hear about the friends she has made and the ways she has touched the lives of everyone she has encountered. It is never easy to lose a loved one. On behalf of the family; I would like to, again, thank each and everyone of you for coming. Please join us for an ending reception which will take place at the Biles' family home, it's open for anyone wanting to express their condolences." 

Everyone stood up from their seats, some even exchanging farewell hugs to the family before making their way to their vehicles. I brought up the courage within myself to approach her family, both of them looking at me with apologetic eyes. I was expecting for them to be envious, to have a fueling pit of rage within them. I was expecting for them to hold hatred towards me, for it was I who was the reason we were here today. "I'm so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Biles," I stared down at the ground refusing to make any further eye contact, "It's all my fault, I will forever walk with this guilt."

Her father placed his hand on my shoulder, "It's not your fault, Cullen. Nothing you did, or didn't do, could have prevented what happened to Raven. We still love you and we will always be here for you, just as we were while Raven was alive. If we're going to make it through this, as the Pastor stated, our duty is not to hold grudges with one another. Our duty is to lean on one another, and love one another through this trial period."

"Raven loved you," her mother began, "She truly loved you, called you the love of her life. She never spoke like this of anyone, and I was so humbled when she chose you above everyone else. You truthfully made her the happiest than she had ever been in all of her days, for that I am thankful for you. Her time may have been cut short, but I know she died happy. She died happy, and loved. That's the epitome of a fulfilled life."

"Thank you, the both of you. You opened up your arms to me without hardly even knowing me, I'm thankful for that. You trusted me with your daughter like you would trust a son, I'm thankful for that. Raven was very lucky to have a great set of parents to love her as much as the both of you did and still do," I wrapped them both in a tight embrace, and we just stood there for a few minutes. We stood there and just held each other, breathing in one another's compassion and love for the person we had lost. In this moment, I felt at peace. For a split second I had forgiven myself for the things that had happened, for the accident.