Under This Roof

Chapter 26

5 September 2014.

Yesterday night, when Harry came home, he explained to me why he is spending so much time in college. I am not sure why he did.

Alright, I know why he did.

Because he noticed how ironic I have been lately around him. I couldn't help it. I was bitter.

So, Harry told me that he runs the computer science student society. That at the beginning of the semester, they have a lot of duties. They help new students, they provide help for classes to both old and new students, and they vote on new members. Additionally, Harry works in college in what is called 'The student working program', which allows him to pay rent and live the way that he does. At the beginning of the semester, they are still in the phase of assigning jobs which can become pretty messy. And Harry is spending so much time there to finish all of these duties.

After he told me so much about what is going on, I felt bad for giving him the rough time I gave him. And this whole thing just sounds so weird: me giving him a rough time and him explaining why he has been away. We're not married for God's sake. We just live together.

When I get home, Harry is already there.

"I don't have college on Fridays." he says opening his hands.

"Nice." I answer.

I put my purse aside and sit with him in the living room for a while.

"How would you like it if I cooked dinner tonight?" I ask. I was going to cook anyway. I got home early today. It wouldn't hurt to add some for him.

"You know I would love it." he answers.

I nod and get up. I go to my room to shower and take a nap.

"I'll see you when I'm rested." I tell him before I leave.

****

"You know Harry," I start and he looks up from his platter to me.

"This is nice. You know. Us having a normal dinner. We couldn't have that when I first got here."

"Yeah. You didn't like me."

"You weren't likeable." I joke.

"But seriously, are you ever going to explain to me why you acted so... randomly?" I ask.

"Lauren." Harry puts down his fork. He is not amused. "I told you last time. Stop looking for explanations."

"I refuse to believe that there is no explanation." I say firmly.

"Alright. Fine. You want an explanation: This is who I am.

That is how I act. I act genuinely. I say what is on my mind. I speak freely. I like to be able to throw out all the words that are in my mind. I have done that with you since the first day you came. And I am still doing that. Nothing about me has changed. It just happened that you are giving me a chance now, to know me more and understand me more. But if you hadn't changed yourself, you would be looking at me now with the same judgy face you had when you came in here the first time."

I do not know how to answer him. I am taking his words in, wondering if I was the one that changed and not him. Wondering if it all makes sense now. Some things are not adding up. Other things make so much sense.

"And you know what?" he continues. 'Why should I act or say the words that I am expected to say? I don't believe in this bullshit. I hate everything that people do just to 'look' something to others. Look nice. Or look polite. Or look cute. You have to 'look' yourself, that's all you have to look like. I don't have to be like everyone else. You know. You come in, I show you around the house, tell you that you will have a great time in London. Well, maybe you won't. Maybe you will hate London. And I am just being real here, Lauren."

"You're being harsh, that is what you're being." I do believe that part of what he is saying is true, and is in fact more than true, it is insightful. But at the same time, brutal. I need time to gather my thoughts and answer him. But Harry does not give that time to me. He keeps talking, like I hit a nerve.

"Maybe. But I truly am doing that because I honestly, truly believe that people should be unique. And that I don't want to be like other people, and you don't want to be like other people as well. We don't have to resemble each other to be good to one another. And when I say good, I don't just mean use 'pleases' and 'thank yous'. I mean to appreciate each other and be there for each other." Harry's tone changes from firm to sweet.

I agree with him on that last one.

"So I was just.. being honest. The whole time. Being me. That is the only explanation you will find."

At that point, neither Harry nor I are eating anymore. So Harry stops talking for a short time and I, trying to wrap my head around what just happened, start removing the bowls and plates from the table to the sink.

"Lauren" Harry says standing up, he sounds now concerned. I turn around to face him.

"Harry. My relationship with you has been a rollercoaster of everything. Since I came here, I don't know what to think or how to feel. I have been living with you for almost three months now and I still feel like I don't really know you."

"Lauren, that is exactly what I am trying to say." he takes a step forward and tries to look me in the eyes. I, on the other hand, am not as brave. My eyes wander to his left and right, without meeting his.

"You do know me." he continues. "If anything, you know me too well. Because I have never said anything to you that I did not mean. Or acted in a way that I did not truly feel."

At that moment, all Harry sounded like was honest. Harry was simply being honest. I want to look at him. I want to answer him. I want to think about what he is saying and discuss it with him. But Harry is not giving me a break. He is overwhelming me with his ideas. Harry sounds like he is finally freeing himself from something that was holding him for so long. He sounds like he wanted to say that to me since forever. Why haven't you Harry?

"Why Lauren? Why do I have to act perfect around you? Why can I not ask you to be home if I forgot my keys one day, or to do my laundry if I am too busy? And you the same to me? Why can I not tell you when I like a shirt on you?

You remember when I told you I liked that shirt on you?" He asks, with a very soft voice.

He knows I remember. How can I forget? That day I felt more at ease to believe he was drunk than that he was saying what he is feeling.

Harry might have a point.

"Are you telling me that, if you were so honest with me and if you always told me everything on your mind, you would have never told me that you like a shirt or any piece of clothing on me?" he asks, his tone a bit teasing.

I raise my head now and look at him. His eyes greener than ever. His facial expression completely new to me. I cannot explain what Harry is making me feel.

He has seen me look at him before.

He knows when I like something on him.

That night he was going out to a business dinner, Harry knew, from my eyes, all the feelings he provoked in me looking the way that he did.

Harry is smart. And he's been doing everything on purpose since day one.

"This" he says indicating with his fingers the space between us. "This can be so easy, Lauren. There is no need for all the human complications." He pauses for a second, looks me in the eyes in a way I have never seen before, "Believe me, I am much simpler than you think."

When Harry says that last sentence, the air in the kitchen changes.

My heart drops.

Time stops.

I do not know what is going on anymore.

The sentence was like a warning. I am much simpler than you think.

Harry is about to show me how simple he is. How true he is. How he only acts upon his feelings.

Our eyes locked. My heart is beating a hundred times a second.

Harry makes that one last step forward, bringing himself completely to me, takes my face in his hands, leans in and kisses me.