Under This Roof

Chapter 44

24 September 2014.

My last week in London had just started. I feel a heavy rock on my chest constantly. There is nothing I do that makes me feel completely peaceful. Always in the back of my mind, I am thinking about how I have no idea where this will take me. When I sit down with Harry, in his arms, I try to forget about the world. Sometimes, it works. But not for long. After a while, my mind wanders back to how much I will miss putting my head on his chest and leaving it there, like there is nothing more important.

Harry and I have not talked about me leaving clearly yet. We never set a plan. We did not agree to see other people. But we also did not agree to keep this relationship going. I do not know what he is assuming will happen once I am no longer here. And I would rather not think too much about it. If I think of Harry seeing other people, it will tear me apart. I push my thoughts away. And I hope they never come back.

Harry's second meeting with the company is today. He has prepared extremely well for it since the start of this week. Maria even came over yesterday and they worked together. I was happy to get to meet her. Maria is like a little genius who lacks some confidence. Your typical nerd figure. She seems to have trust in Harry because she speaks with him very genuinely and smoothly. And I enjoy that despite being the most blunt person I know, Harry can be sweetheart when there is need. 

As for me, the real work for me here is almost over now. I spend most of my day making sure people are doing their jobs because mine is completely done. I just need to follow up on the upcoming phases and make sure that things are running smoothly.

I get home a little bit early and wait for Harry to come. I am excited to hear all about how their second meeting went. Afterwards, we will hopefully be catching a movie tonight. Harry and I spend as much time together as it is possible. Sometimes not doing much at all, but most times creating memories. We go out to the movies, we watch series together, and I watch his football matches when they are in the afternoon and I get the chance. Anything that we feel like doing at any moment, we decide to do. We do not really have a choice. Postponing is not an option.

****

Harry talks to me for a long while about the meeting. He is as happy as I have ever seen him. He feels proud. And I myself of him, as well. He gives me a few details about the upcoming meetups and the next steps. And I feel a little torn knowing that I will not be home waiting for him to tell me all about it the way that he is now.

"Anyway, there is something else I want to talk to you about." He says.

"Sure. What is it?"

"I was wondering if you would like to spend this weekend away with me, in Caversham."

I am excited for a portion of a second before I recap what he said again.

"Wait a minute. Caversham? You mean... ?" I am a little confused. And I do not want to assume. But if what I am thinking is true, Harry is out of his mind.

"Yes."

"Harry..." I shake my head slowly. This is not the right time to do this. It is too late.

"I really want to do this." He tells me.

"Why?"

"Because this is the truest feeling I have ever had. If anything is worth it, it is this."

"It's too late for this."

Harry shakes his head. "It isn't. I don't care what happens afterwards. Right now, this feels like the most righteous thing to do."

My eyebrows are crossed. I do not know how to answer Harry. There is nothing I can say.

"Please understand how I am feeling." He insists.

The conversation I imagined happening with my parents is being played again in my mind. Only this time, it is Harry's father and sister who are talking, I feel even worse because they are not my family and I barely know them, and they are completely surprised at how stupid Harry is to allow himself to go through something like that.

"I don't know if I can. What do I tell them when they ask what I do? Where I am from? Where do I live? When will they see me again? What is the future of this relationship? Why did we allow-" 

Harry holds my head in his hands and cuts me off. "They will not be asking any of this. They do not care what you do or where you live. I will make sure to ask them to keep these kinds of questions to myself only. You will not be uncomfortable. I promise."

He puts his forehead on mine. "Please." He begs.

Harry's voice breaks my heart. I do not know if this is a good idea at all. But I find myself unable to deny him a request he deeply wishes for. Not now. Not right before I break his heart.

Breaking Harry's heart.

I feel like I am about to tremble at the thought. I nod to Harry. "Okay."

He takes me in his arms and holds me tight.

There are parts of me now, that cannot be mended. Even when he holds me like that. Even when he loves me. Even when he cares for me.

There are parts of me that will feel guilty with every look, every touch, every hug.

This heart healed me. It gave me a new, unknown kind of love. A sweet love. A smooth love. This heart was home for me, for what seemed like infinity. I was secretly wishing that it will be my home forever. Despite everything that I knew, ignoring my real time and space was completely, incredibly easy, when I was living within this heart of yours. And disregarding everything logical and real, I secretly hoped I would stay.

How can I let anyone, anyone at all, break this heart?

How was I capable of doing that to you, Harry?