Red vs Blue: The Musical

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Vic: You ever have a song stuck in your head? Yeah, me too. Over 5000, to be exact. Agent Florida downloaded his entire music library to my hard drives before kickin' the aspirin-filled bucket. Dude was really big into Barenaked Ladies. But, for me, my heart goes out to the classics: hip-hop, tejano folk fusion, and... musical theater.

Title card and cut to Grif  Alex and Simmons standing on red base.

Simmons: [singing] Hey?

Grif and Alex: [also singing] Yeah?

Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?

Grif: It's one of life's mysteries, why are we standing here? Is there a plan? Is there a god?

Simmons: [no longer singing] What? No, I mean, why are we out here, singing?

Alex: I don't know why but I have the uncontrollable urge to I'm trying to stop

Oh look, Sarge is behind them.

Sarge: [singing] To kill them dirty blues. Jazz hands.

Simmons: Oh, Sarge, we didn't see you there.

Sarge: Boys, I've got some news that's going to blow your minds! And those dirty blues into teeny tiny pieces!

Grif: [sarcastically] I can hardly contain myself.

Sarge: We've just received a new shipment of weaponry from command, that fills my heart with some sort of new emotion I've never felt before. It makes me feel warm, and want to smile!

Simmons: Um, Sir, I think that's called happiness.

Sarge: It's disgusting.

Alex: Sarge have you only felt anger?

Grif: So what the hell is it?

Cut to them now in the field in front of red base.

Sarge: Ladies, allow me to introduce you to...The M41 surface-to-surface rocket medium anti-vehicle assault weapon. But I like to call it "The Spanker".

Alex: "The Spanker"? Why the hell would you call it that?

Sarge: I'm glad you asked!

(Everyone sings from this point on.)

Sarge: [now singing] Well these letters on the side here, the big SPNKR, Stand for: Sayonara, See ya later, Au revoir. See the Blues have had it coming, with their fancy ghosts and tanks, but with this gun, our battle's won, 'cause it don't just kill, it spanks!

Donut: Ooh!

Grif: Sarge, that name sounds really stupid.

Alex: and wrong.

Sarge: What?!

Simmons: Yeah it's really, not that great.

Sarge: Simmons...

Donut: Oh come on, I kinda liked that one!

Alex: Shut the fuck up Donut.

Sarge: This is not up for debate!

Simmons: Well if we put out heads together, we can find the perfect name.

Donut: Oh, can I go first? My head's fit to burst!

Grif: Oh god, this is so lame.

Sarge: It's an RPG, a Master Key, a projectile wreckin' ball. A big surprise, a little friend, Old Betsy, and the law. This lazy boy is my favorite toy, and I'll tell you fellas why: You lock your load, It shoots; explodes! And you blow them blues sky high. [chuckles]

Red Vs Blue season 14 male ocWhere stories live. Discover now