Scared Of Healing

This is it

I pull into the driveway and turn around to look at Ellie. She is looking to her hands with tears in her eyes and I get a sinking feeling that these aren't happy tears. Crystal obviously thinks the same thing because we both hop out of the car and make our way to her door. I open it and immediately crouch down, placing a hand on her knee, "what's going on sunshine?" I ask softly. She pushes a slow breath through her lips, letting me take her hands. Her eyes are glued to her hands, "this... this is it" she mumbles. I give her hand a squeeze, encouraging her to continue, "this is my new life" she whispers. I sigh, "how can I help sweetie?" I ask. She just shakes her head, "it's fine. It just feels like... sorta... just... I don't know, like they're officially gone now. I'm never gonna be able to go back to the way it was" she says quietly, still not making eye contact. My heart breaks, "I'm so sorry sunshine. I can't imagine how hard this must be" I say, looking up to Crystal, noticing that there is no way she's gonna be able to contribute to this conversation. She is trying her best to hold back tears.

I'm not sure what made me think that Ellie would come home with us and everything would just be better for her. I can't believe this sort of thing didn't cross my mind. I gently rub my thumb over Ellie's knuckles, "what were they like?" I ask softly. "Perfect" she whispers. I hang my head, I'm never going to be perfect. Ellie sniffs quietly, "they were the most imperfect kind of perfect anyone could imagine" she says, smiling slightly at the memory, still letting the tears fall. "We had the most chaotic life. We were always all over the place yet we managed to pull ourselves together when it really mattered" she says. I look to her and gently wipe away a little tear clinging onto her chin and she chuckles, "I miss them" she whispers. Tears spring to my eyes as I pull her into a hug. She cries softly into my chest and Crystal joins the hug as my mind wanders. How am I ever going to be good enough for Ellie? There's no way I'm going to be able to replace what she had.

Ellie takes another little sniff before slowly pulling out of the cuddle, "sorry..." she mumbles. I shake my head, about to say that she doesn't need to be sorry, but she beats me, "I know you don't want me to apologise for my emotions and stuff... but it's not fair for me to be like this. I'm grateful I had them at all, and that they were there for that part of my life. I have you guys now... and I'm never going to be able to express how much it fills my heart that you actually care." she says. I'm lost for words... I don't know what to say. I attempt to compose myself, "sweetheart... you lost your family. Any feeling you have is absolutely valid. You are allowed to miss them. You are allowed to feel sad. Don't you ever think that you feeling emotions is unfair on us. Everything you've been through is so unfair sunshine. You deserve love and you deserve to have whatever emotions you need to feel" I say, grabbing her hands. She sniffs again as a few more tears make their way down her cheeks. She nods, accepting what I said, before she looks up to me, "please, um... please don't ever think you're here to replace what I used to have. Because you're not. This has happened because I need something new. I need you guys to be you. Please don't try to recreate what I had... I've already had that. I want you guys now" she says. I just sigh and lean forward to gently kiss her forehead, it's like she could read my mind. "Thank you sunshine" I whisper. She pulls back into the hug and we just sit in the driveway, expressing every emotion under the sun.