Onism

Chapter 20: Its a Social Construct

I just wanna warn y'all that Vanya isn't gonna be in his right mind so....uhhhh identity crisis, hallucinations, dissociation, self hatred, gender confusion, rape mention, time blindness and obsessive behavior . ('⌓') Sorry if your not comfortable, I just really wanna display how bad Vanya is mentally. It'll probably be like this for the rest of the Vanya's existence.
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I awoke to a room full of riches. Sonechka's rag of midnight curls pressed against my chest. My own body feeling rather fatigued and lethargic.

Yuily had given us a large room. Letting us relax ourselves behind closed doors.

After yesterday's activities I felt mentally drained. The talking to Yuily, the mental breakdown that I had held behind a facade too. All in all I just wanted to be swallowed by my bed.

A loud sigh broke out from behind my lips, the carbon dioxide brushing against my lips.
God Vanya- err I felt so tired.

I fluttered my eyelids, my eyes burning slightly. I moved the hand that rested on Sonechka's back to my eyes. I rubbed my knuckles against the crust that had formed on my lower lid.
Ew nasty...When had I last taken a bath?

I glanced down at Sonechka, peering at him through my thick purple lashes.

He's such an exceptional human.

We gently pushed Sonechka off my chest, my hand sliding gently through his curls.

Oh I love him so much, just wanna give him my everything.

The maternal part of them both crooned.

We pulled the comforter over his back as I wiggled out of Sonechka's and the blanket's hold.
My fingers deftly sliding over my younger brother's cheekbones before I retreated.

I hummed, walking towards the bathroom door attached to this room. My fingertips pushing the door open.
I shuffled my feet lazily across the floor, my eyes not really taking in my surroundings.

I looked up, my eyes catching something shiny in my peripheral. A mirror, a large grand mirror with a golden frame.
Lucinda stared back at me from its reflection.
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The female with a tan broad shouldered body leaned against the mirror to stare at us. Her charcoal colored eyes tracing my form before curling her lips downward in disgust.
She brought a hand to her own body, her fingers sliding through her straight brown roots and black ends.
My fingers moved to my own violet locks without my say so.
We curled our fingers into the greasy disheveled mess before we began to grip it in sync.
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I didn't even feel pain, Vanya's fingers pulling at violet roots before releasing them at the same time as she.
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Lucinda's hand slid down from her head and towards her torso. Her fingers gliding over a soft round chest.
Vanya's fingers hovered over a flat but muscular chest.
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We all looked down at ourselves, gazing at the difference in our bodies. To be honest I'd never really cared to think it over with myself but....I didn't feel comfortable in a males body. However I'd never felt comfortable in Lucinda's body either.
Both bodies felt like prisons. Why was that?
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.
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...Lucinda's had made me feel contained, the things that body had the ability to do drove me mad. The idea of creating a child and carrying it in that body had driven me to hyperventilation in the dead of night. My mother had always told me with a knowing look in her eyes that I would have children regardless of what I told her. The church I'd gone too had told me the same.
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I'd hated the idea of the responsibility I'd have over a tiny human that would take my every second of the day and every coin earned.
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The very mention of having a child had scared me to wits ends, and more than not I'd go to sleep clutching my stomach in terror. Even if Lucinda hadn't had sex we'd thought it might happen without my say so.
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Our fears weren't unfounded either. In my younger years as she, my cousin had pulled me under a blanket with him and the rest had been history. Anything considered sexual after that just made me feel nasty and guilty.
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In the end I'd never told anyone about it but that's not what we need to think about right now...
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That my choice to choose would be taken from me and that I'd be leashed to my offspring for the rest of my existence. I remember looking it up too, tokophobia I believe was what it was called....

Now then...What about Vanya's body did I not find comfortable?

I looked down at my body, my pale flesh and purple veins feeling obnoxiously bright to my eyes .
I drifted a finger across the purple lines that stemmed from my wrist. I could feel my cloud flames pulsating under my fingertips. The pulse feeling like a second heart beat alongside the one I could always hear in my chest.

I looked back towards my chest, spying at my strange purple nipples. Before glancing down towards our...junk.
I still had my sleeping shorts on. In all honesty I don't know what to think of having a...males appendage.

I could still make babies in this body but I wouldn't be the one carrying it. Someone could still rape me in this body too, but I also had cloud flames. My cloud flames would most definitely tear anyone up before another touched me.

This body also had a lot less access to being babied. Where as Lucinda people would be gentle and all round caring, as Vanya it wasn't the same.

Men were not treated the same as women and women were not treated the same as men.
I remember reading an article in my past life where men had higher suicide rates due to people not caring about their mental well being.

Gender roles in general were so stupid.

Women had to be home makers and men had to be providers. Why? Just because one carried kids and the other didn't? One couldn't cry in front of others without being called weak and the other only got cradled and told it was okay if she cried.

God had told me once upon a time that all men were not created equally.

Fucking humans are so dumb! God, I apologize for cursing your name but your creations are dumb fuck! I wish....I wish I was neither!
Why are we segregated? We're all human at the end of the day are we not? If being human means to contain yourself in a box and follow the rest of the sheeple....then...then I DON'T WANNA BE HUMAN!!!-

The feel of lukewarm water beating against my back interrupted my thoughts. I had entered the shower without even realizing it. When had I done that?-I don't remember-.