.Well one my crushes, found out I liked them and now they dont think I do. I ended up blacking out from crying and hyperventilating again last night. Because I wont say what happened bc it's not my spot to say but hes okay now which is all that matters. He said he was leaving me and I couldn't help but start crying I didn't care if my family was all there but they didnt know. I got attached and I was scared hed leave.. it mattered a lot to me bc we have had our bad times.. and we went our own ways because of it... but now I dont want that to happen. I dont wanna lose him, imma end up balling my eyes out if he does leave and I dont want that and I cant risk that happening.. Me and him called last night bc of what was going on.. at the end of the call I couldnt hold it anymore and was crying a lot i dont want people to hear me cry so i tried covering my mouth I suffocated myself a bit but it calmed my crying down. I'm staying off messages and all because on GJ I posted and said I wont be texted anyone. But jeff is the only one I will text.. last night hit hard for me bc I couldn't call anyone I didnt know anyone close to him and I didnt know his address so i couldnt do anything... I texted and called but since it was on xbox or something but my calls ended right as I called so I didn't know what to do. I waited and texted and everything but I didn't get a reply till this morning.
He just went to play games so I can write more. But I'm just glad hes okay.. i didnt want him gone. Yes I say I wanna die... but I cant ever go through with it.. I stopped taking pills bc that's the only way i will do it.. is from taking to much and then sleeping and i will hopefully die from that... but i cant cut myself.. I got to ashamed to even carry it even for protection... I would starve myself but I cant bc of my dad making me eat dinner. I wanna be more.. I'm trying to change it's just so hard... mainly bc i hate change... but I still have to try and change because I have to... everyone's telling me to change.. only for them though the guy I broke up with then got back together ig we can call Jack. Jack wants me to change., my family wants me to change.. seems like I have to change for my friends to even text me.. I'll send streaks but that's all.. then the occasional text from someone when they wanna get "freaky"... everyone sees me as a toy or just a random person... I hate it... jeff is the only one who doesnt... he doesnt even judge me.. ik Jack hates one my things he just plays along with it to not make me feel bad... Jeff never even said anything bad about it.. hes okay with it and I could even wear the stuff like it and he wouldnt judge.. (I'm not saying what it is bc. My trust went down a lot.) But he never judged me about it.. hes the only one who hasnt.. my family hates it everyone else does too. He was the only one who doesnt that's 1 of the reasons jeff means so much to me.. bc he never said anything bad.. he even would send gifs of them and we would have fun and smile.. he made me feel safe.. and if he did successfully do it last night.. I would've lost it... idk what I would of done.. I wouldnt even be myself... I'm only the way i am because i have faith bc of him.. he always said I can be myself and not have to be scared around him which makes me happy... he doesnt seem to judge me about sometimes I can be to touchy like a lot of hugs., or cuddles or idk just anything with me close to him.. idk it just gives me the 'ok it's fine to be urself' vibe.. and it makes me not be scared around him.. I do get worried it bothers him though... he doesnt like that I smoke... but hes willing to help me.. ik thankful for that though...
I've been more worried about Jeff though.. ik hes not doing the best but I wanna help.. but ik he might wanna be alone... I wanna apologize bc it's my fault it happened.. and idk what to do... tiktoks and Jack keep telling me... if a guys sad or anything.. send cherries (iykyk) but I dont think that's a good thing to do rn... like what if he hates me bc I do it... what if he does it again... what if he leaves... I dont want that... I wanna help... i just wanna help...
