Forgotten kiss ||Hyunlix<3||

Vomit.

He was just here. He was just in this very room, sitting next to me.

It was still hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that Felix was in my presence. Even harder to admit that I was right. He didn't love me anymore. He didn't know me, just like I knew he wouldn't.

...

"He's not going to have any memory of tonight."

That's what the doctor said, the night of the incident. I was pretty busted up, standing just outside Felix's emergency room. All I tasted was blood, but I hardly noticed it over the achy feeling in my heart, my bones.

"Will he be okay?" That's all I really cared about. His well being, it's all I ever cared about.

I promise.

"Yes, he will be okay.. physically. Look, what I'm trying to say is that he won't remember you, or most things."

It was hard to process, my own boyfriend not remembering me?

But in that moment all I felt was guilt, I don't know if I could live with him knowing that it was me. It was me who almost took everything from him. He'd hate me.

"O-okay.."

"You can remind him, and try to get him to remember-"

"No.. that's okay.. I think," I looked through the glass to see Felix in his hospital bed, his sister by his side. "I think I'm-.. I'm gonna go."
I finally spit out.

My brain was fuzzy, as I spun around, taking mindless steps forward. Was this right? Was this wrong? Who knew. I guessed I would find out in the future.

I walked out of the hospital doors, it was raining. I let the rain wash the blood off my face. I let it cleanse me.

But nothing could cleanse me of my sin. My crime.

Felix was my crime, and nothing could change the way I let him down.
~

I didn't cry that night. I just sat there, empty minded From everything. I stared at my bedroom wall. I guess I was still in shock.

It was my fault, despite what you want to think.

I was the one who hurt him this bad. I was the one who was careless. I was the one who was drunk that night-

I was the one- who crashed the car.

...

I felt a slight discomfort start just below my chest. It pulsated as I took a deep breath. It only took a couple seconds to travel to the pit of my stomach, causing my body to automatically hunch over.

I gaged, but threw up nothing but liquid. The nurses ran into the room In a panic, my mom and siblings not far behind. I dry heaved a couple more times before sitting back up, breathing hard. I laid back, my eyes closed tight. A burning sensation was still in my stomach, screaming at me.

"Did you eat anything today?" A nurse lady, a bit older than my own mom, had asked.

I shook my head, I really didn't have an appetite. The lady pursed her lips together tightly. "That explains all the liquids." She said wiping it off of the bed. She then sighed, "you up for a stroll?" She asked looking between me and my sister. My sister nodded, "let's go jinnie."

I didn't say anything, didn't even nod. I got up shakily and sat in the nearby wheelchair. My sister did the rest, strolling me out of there.

I didn't think it was that surprising that I threw up. I always threw up at home when I didn't eat. I was used to it. I sat quietly in the wheelchair when it suddenly stopped.

"Hyunjin." My sister said before appearing in front of me. I looked up, locking eyes with her. She was crying.

"Why do you push Felix away? Maybe- maybe you need him to be happy."

It was a really dumb statement when you think about it. Of course I needed him to be happy.

Lix was my happiness.

"Maybe." Was all I said. I didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes talking to other people too much about personal issues, turns into a rip off version of therapy. Where they don't actually understand anything, they just say what they think you need to hear to feel better.

With therapy though, they just tell you what you don't want to hear. The point is, therapy is bullshit. And so was this conversation.

"Let him get to know you again." She said. My jaw tensed, "no thank you." I replied a bit more coldly than I intended, but I was starting to get angry.

"Hyunjin!" It was a voice I didn't expect from my little sister. She never spoke up against me. Was it because I looked so helpless and weak now?

"I'm not saying this because everyone's trying to 'fix' you. I just want you to be happy."

"Well I'm not going to be, and- and I don't want to be."

"Why not!?" She asked, her face getting red, as she yelled. I closed my eyes. "Yeji... I don't even want to be alive. Why the fuck would I want to be happy for a short amount of time. I'm not going to drag Felix with me just so I can die and he'll be left here confused."

"...You're not going to die." Her voice broke.

"Oh really?" I laughed.

There's was a few beats of silence as I felt her eyes on me. I didn't look at her though. I just kept my eyes straight.

"Hyunjin... please, don't leave- don't even think about it-"

"You're a bit too late for that saying," I said fixing my hospital gown, "I'd like to go back to the room."

What I said was the truth. I've thought about and tried to end my life too many times to hear that now.

Yeji quickly wiped her tears, and nodded her head. She walked behind me and I felt her grip the handles behind my shoulders.

"Okay."

And then nothing but uncomfortable silence the whole way back.