Written In The Stars: Book Two

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: A MOTHER'S EYES

With a sketch pad on his lap, Elijah sketched his mother in the early morning sun, collecting her in five stages of her life in one drawing, holding one another across the page. So far, it was just an outline. Soon he would have to dissect the photographs, capturing his mother's essence, then the struggle would begin. He'd have to search his innermost soul to remember her before she became skin and bones from the cancer that took her away from him.

He looked so much like his mom. Same eyes, same cheekbones, same hair color. Elijah sometimes wondered if that was why his father hated him so much. He reminded him too much of his mother, and had virtually nothing in common with him, minus his anger and alcohol issues, which came around later on.

The patio door slid open, and Mary stepped out with a cup of coffee in hand, a floral silk robe covering her pajamas. "Mitch told me where you were all day yesterday. Sounded like a real eye opener."

"It gave me clarity," Elijah agreed, his eyes remaining on the paper in front of him. "They'll never replace what you all were for me, but I want to get to know them. Get to know my mom. My other mom."

"I get it, Elijah," Mary said to him before she sat in the chair next to him. "She was an incredible woman. You deserve to get to know her better." After a few beats of silence, Mary continued. "I remember after you left at eighteen, Maddie cried herself to sleep every night for the first month. Woke up from nightmares about you. Everything she ever feared for you coming true in her mind. It wasn't easy getting her through that.

"I'd spend an hour rocking her back to sleep, and tell her all about how your mother was in heaven, watching over you, and that she'd protect you from all the bad things out in the world. She said if your mommy was protecting you, she would have protected you from your dad, and I told her that your mom was the one who gave you the courage to leave.

"I used to tell her all about Sandra. Knowing you came from such a strong woman filled with so much love for you helped believe you'd be okay. Mitch told me about your conversation earlier, and you came from love, Elijah. So many people have loved you in your life. We worried, we hoped, we stood by you and we prayed for you.

"We are your family, and if you want to get to know the rest of your family, that's okay. There's no cap on the love you're allowed to feel or have in your life. If you want us to stand by your side through this, we will. If you need us to take a step back so you can go through this alone, just say the word. But you will always be my son, even if I'm not your biological mother."

Elijah set the sketchbook on the ground and sucked in a long breath before he turned to Mary. "And you'll always be my mom, even if I'm not your biological son," he agreed. "But I want you all with me through this. My grandfather wants to have dinner at his house. I have an uncle I've never met and two cousins. My grandmother's sister is still alive, too. It would be great if you all could be there. They should meet the family who raised me and took care of me."

Mary smiled at him, the sort of smile she always gave Madeline. "I'd like that. Very much."

He smiled absolutely, dropping his gaze down to the sketchbook on the ground, fully aware of all the sketches that came before the one staring up at him. "I'm not the same person I was four years ago. I'm better, happier, stronger, braver."

A hand landed against his shoulder. "Yes, you are, sweetie."

"But I still love her. Probably more than I did four years ago," Elijah admitted. "I used to think the saying, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' was bullshit, but I really fell more in love with her every day we were apart. Madeline deserved more than I could give her back then. I was wrapped up in my head, fighting all these invisible battles, and I couldn't be the person she deserved to have in her life.

"I still don't think I deserve her love, but I want it anyhow. But I'm not sure if it's fair to ask that of her. Not after I've already broken her heart twice, and not after all this time. I know there's still something there between us, but I need to ask. Do you think she still loves me?"

Rather than answer his question right away, Mary moved her gaze to the photos on the ground. "Your mother was beautiful. So much so that I felt inadequate when we first met. She had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen; something she'd passed down to you. But there was always a sadness behind them she couldn't hide. So much pain she rarely expressed, but you could see it clear as day in those eyes of hers.

"It was the same thing for you," Mary told him then. "When you came back into our lives, I could see it the second I stepped into that house. All that time away hadn't been able to erase or fade out the anguish you'd kept locked away inside. I'd hoped that once we were all back together again, maybe that could be your saving grace.

"When I found out what happened between you and Maddie, I realized that another person can't save you. They can help guide you if you let them. They can support you, but the work has to come from you. As much as I wished for the two of you to find your happiness in one another, you had to find your own happiness within yourself before you could give that happiness to someone else.

"Your mom could never find that happiness in herself. I don't know if she'd had it before, and when she met your father, it just got lost along the way, or if she always had that sadness. I do know that she wanted so much more for you. She could see that same pained look in your eyes that she saw in the mirror, and often felt like she'd failed you as a mother.

"She shared a lot of regrets in her life near the end, but you were never one of them. You were her only source of happiness, and I wished that'd been enough for her to fight, but it wasn't. When she was diagnosed, I always felt like she'd just given up. She was half-assing all the treatments, she was skipping hospital appointments. Sandra was just letting herself fade away, and I remember being angry with her about that.

"In her last month, she admitted to me she was ready for it to all be over. Loving you gave her the only amount of joy she had in life, but she didn't want to live anymore, Elijah. The pain inside her and the life she was leading, Sandra found an out and took it.

"I wondered if it'd been the same for you. With that same look in your eyes, it was like looking into a memory of your mother. I wondered if our love for you wouldn't be enough, and it was only a matter of time before you gave up.

"I remember being terrified every time Mitch told me he was going to go check on you. I'd keep my eye on the time, just waiting for those two and a half hours to pass to see if my phone would ring. If he'd be calling to tell me he found you dead on the floor. Mitch kept insuring me you were stronger than your mother, and having more people there to support you through this would be enough for you to get through the pain Sandra had given in to. But that fear didn't go away. I suffered through it for over two years.

"Even after you got out of rehab, I worried it was just putting a bandaid over a severed limb. That fear allowed me to realize that pushing Maddie out of your life wasn't because the two of you wanted different things for the future. It wasn't because you didn't think you could love her, because I knew you loved her more than anyone.

"You pushed her away because you probably thought you weren't strong enough to push through the pain, and didn't want her being the one to find you dead on the floor when that pain became unbearable. Maybe I'm wrong and you had other reasons, but something tells me any reason you have or had was linked to that struggle, and I'm grateful you spared Maddie the pain Mitch suffered through. Because if it was half as bad as he described, it would have killed her to see it."

Elijah sucked in a long breath, then waited five seconds before releasing it. As much as he didn't want the edited version of his mother's life, he also had to admit to himself he wasn't entirely prepared for it. Elijah always assumed it was cancer that'd taken his mother away rather than her own desire to let it take her.

"But," Mary continued, "I don't see that pain or sadness in your eyes anymore. Instead, there's this strength and determination that makes them sparkle, and I am so proud of you for changing your course and finding your peace. You've become an incredible man, Elijah.

"Only one person can answer your question, and that isn't me. What I can tell you is that both of you deserve true love. It just so happens that you're each other's true love. If you think you're ready to be with my daughter and give her all the things she wants in life, you have my blessing, but my blessing isn't the one you need, and you also need to feel confident you can give those things to her before you get both your hopes up."