The Ember Garden

Memories & Coincidences

10 years from now, it'll all have changed
Change is good, they say
It'll help, they say
But does it really?

10 years from now, nothing will have remained the same
People come and go
Even family isn't the one that'll stay
But memories truly are forever

10 years from now, there'll be nothing but pain
Those moments will be a plague
Your joys will start to fade

10 years from now is what truly scares me
Will these coincidences crossing my path stay?
Will I be content,
or shall I live forever in disdain?

The past catches up to you
Whether you like it or not
It may be a punishment or to some it may not

I'll never forget the gift of those that surround me
Particularly the gift of you
Even if it drowns me in torment

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Life doesn't make any sense.
I want to fast forward into the future.
I want to go to the time where we're grown up and living our best lives together.
Not after that either though. I don't want to reach the stage where we're all settled with families and stuff because we'll lose each other in the process of losing ourselves and that scares me too. Like it'll all get boring and the joy would have been tainted and we won't be together then. We may live together but we won't be as close and I don't think I can bear that.
We may not be together in university either and that scares me too. As excited as I am to meet new people and make new memories, I really don't want to lose the people I have right now, but that's inevitable. I won't stay as close with all the people I have in my life at the moment and they'll just become memories that I may never even bother remembering, and I'll be the same for them. I want to be remembered and in a good way but I don't know how to do that and I'm not good at staying in touch with ppl I don't see regularly. I'm scared of being forgotten, if I'm being honest. However, thst fear has faded away as time has passed by. I still fear it, it's just a new fear has taken over: forgetting.
I hoard stuff
This is a bad habit of mine.
I hoard the books I like, the songs that resonate with me, the stuff people give me. It's like tiny fragments of various times in my life saved within those things.
It's not because I'm obsessive or anything, it's just that I've already forgotten so much that I wish I could get back. I simply do not wish to risk losing any more.

I remember a random memory from second grade. I was colouring in the bus on a colouring book I bought from the school book fair. A friend bought it for me actually, since my mother didn't let us get anything. I wanted it and she got it for me. I told her not to but she still did. I bet she doesn't even remember that or doesn't even look back upon the memories made with me.
The memory was me colouring in the book and I used to be friends with this the older girl who was sitting next to me at the time. It started off by me asking her what colour a nightingale is since I was colouring one. She taught me how to colour evenly then. I remember her telling about her art and we were talking about the random stuff we've drawn. I told her about a register I had filled with drawings but we threw it out while cleaning. She told that her mom never throws her artwork out, so I had to explain that it wasn't a neat register and was rather a random book with my drawings in it.
I wonder if she remembers me or that moment, maybe just one or maybe even both.
I don't remember the girl or her name, but that doesn't mean I forgot her. Remembering someone means remembering them, not their name or stuff about them.

The way my friend forgot Dubai eventhough it meant so much to her and it still does, but she would chose to live here if given the chance to go back.
I don't want to be a special memory like that though.
I don't fear you forgetting me. I just don't want to get distanced from you because that would honestly be more painful. I wouldn't know whether or not you remember me but I would surely see the gulf that would be between us.
It's inevitable, but I want to recover from it if it ever happens.
Prevention is better than cure though. We could always meet again but I do not want to meet you again if such an occasion arises. It would simply not be the same and my heart would bear that pain. I don't want to lose you in the first place. Meeting again may bring back the person but it doesn't bring back the way you felt around them. It doesn't bring back the life that sparked withing you whenever with them.

With every forgotten memory however, you make new ones... better ones
Like sometimes you have to delete bad songs or old songs just to download new and better ones. Somtimes you over hear the same song soo much it gets tiring even. To prevent that from happening, you delete them before you over hear them just so you still remember how precious that song was. You get rid of it before it tarnishes.

The memories build you up and its just so darn weird... like if that wouldn't hv happened I wouldn't hv been like this.
I'd be shy too tbh
I dknt think I'd recover from those three
I wouldn't have cared for someone so much or ever told anyone so much abt me
I wouldn't have grown (personality wise) and I wouldn't have ever known how it feels to be cared for like this
Wouldn't have realized there are other people who think this way too, who feel just as much as I do...

Memories are weird and I love them but they haunt a person so I don't know whether I should love them. It's a really toxic relationship actually.

But that's not my main problem.
It's a bunch of problems interwoven actually, but that isn't the main concern.
I want to go into the future but I don't want to lose the present either. Yet I cannot have both.
Life really is unfair like that.

And ik better than to make such aims or dreams or whatever but it kinda just gives comfort knowing that maybe something won't change eve after all those years. Ik it may not happen but still.
Life is such a weird series of coincidences. Yet those coincidences make you. It's really weird
You don't know how many more are to come across or how many you've forgotten behind
It's crazy how some coincidences become a part of ur life tho
Ydk which ones they'll be and you dknt realize when they do it but they just make their way into ur life and the only time u realize this is when thinking what it was like before it happened. Mostly cuz you dint remember
We talk abt books making the situation to perfect yet thats how life works too

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This was a random 2am rant I had with my best friend actually. For some reason I can't get it off my mind and just felt the need to upload it here; to preserve it perhaps. I usually incorporate rants withing my chapters but I didn't want to over-shine these emotions and it's currently very late. I got tired and didn't it completely so I'm just leaving it like that. It adds to the feeling of it I suppose (it does to me at least)

Also. Me uploading like 6 months after. I'm literally stuck between exams and school. Exams end and schoolwork piles up, I get rid of that and exams start again. I currently am consumed with preparing for my igcse exams coming up :')