The Ember Garden

If Only...

Maybe I'd be different now
If it were all different then

If only I was taught how
I'm supposed to love

I'd be able to live again

Maybe if all I knew wasn't misery
Happiness wouldn't be a mystery

If only I had learnt how to swim
These thoughts wouldn't drown me

Maybe I'd be a better person
If I weren't so darn blind

If only I could run away
And leave my demons behind

Maybe if I weren't a slave
Of my own mind

I'd detangle from these knots
Unwind these endless thoughts

If only I saw the toxicity
I wouldn't let it worsen

And maybe,
just maybe
I'd achieve felicity

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The sunlight pierced through my eyelids, waking me up from a weird state of half sleep. I doubt I properly slept for more than an hour.

I rolled over, only to find that Paige wasn't there. My heart sunk more than it already had.

I felt miserable today. My mouth was dry and my body was tired. My soul had been drained and I didn't have the energy to do anything, to the point where even breathing felt like too much of hard work.

Just like last night, the door creaked open and Paige's head peeped in. She smiled, walking in and sitting besides me. "How'd you sleep?", She questioned in the same manner as she had last night. A sudden gush of regret washed through me and I felt bad for ruining her night. I was too exhausted to think of what to say so I just mumbled whatever came to me. My response made her expression change to that of concern mixed with the one thing I hated: pity.

She instantly tried convincing me that I have nothing to be apologizing about. Her persuasive skills aren't that good, to be honest, but I half-heartedly "agreed" with her so that she wouldn't worry.

The rest of the day was spent in bed. Paige would occasionally bring snacks and despite my constant whining of not being hungry, she'd force me to eat.

At first, Paige just talked to me about any random thing she could think off. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I was honestly too focused on her hand sliding through my hair to remember any of what she said. Soon, I started piping in on whatever she'd be talking about. We went on about all sorts of things and learnt a lot about each other.

We were currently talking about whether or not changing the past would be worth it. No idea how we reached here but the two of us were quite indulged in the conversation, trying our best to find common ground between our contradictory views.

She claims that the past always leads to good. We'll, almost always. If someone has a good past, they're raised to be good people. If they have a bad past, they learn to make a good present and future for themselves. Therefore, changing the past wouldn't be of much use.

I, on the other hand, believe that the past should be changed if it's bad. I say this from personal experience. If my past was good, my life would be amazing right now. I wouldn't have ran away and I wouldn't be struggling. I have so many scars from the past that I wish I could get rid of, and I don't only mean physical scars. I honestly wish that the scars they left were only physical. My mind wouldn't be so messed up and I'd actually know what it's like to be happy. I wouldn't ever loose the stars in my eyes and I'd be hopeful for an amazing life. That hope would give me the push forward to make my dreams reality and life would be amazing. So no. A bad past doesn't lead to good things and it would not be pointless to change it.

After a while of going back and forth, trying to convince the other, we agreed to disagree. A yawn managed to find its way out of Paige's mouth, causing my body to repeat the action. I hate it when this happens. However, this time I didn't hate it so much because it made Paige giggle; and to say that was the cutest thing ever would be a huge understatement. Before I even had the chance to admire her laugh, she pointed out the time.

11pm.
I had just spent the whole day laying in bed, doing nothing.
I wish I could've done this before. There have been times like this in the past, where I've cried myself to sleep and woken up feeling like death. Days where I want to get lost beneath the sheets and be forgotten, yet still remembered. Moments when I've wished to just disappear, yet still have someone besides me. When this happens, I don't like being alone because it just adds to my gloomy feeling, but I don't want the type of company that would drain me further. It's hard to explain but basically I've always wanted what I just had, with Paige.

Neither of us spoke much and just stayed in each other's presence. I let my mind roam free and, for once, it didn't haunt me.
Somewhere in the middle of the time, we both fell asleep, in each other's embrace.